Chapter 4 - Escape to Chapter 5

“You’re boring me. You are a boring person. When they make the movie of my life, you’ll be a deleted scene,” Prince Mykur admonished a hologram before it flickered off.

“Who was that my lordship?” asked Tonkins, Prince Mykur’s ever loyal servant, as he entered Royal Living Room #22.

“It was Blade – my fifth son.”

“He must be getting old now, sir.”

“Yes, he said something about having turned seven today.”

“Shall I arrange to have him killed?” Tonkins inquired.

Prince Mykur slumped down in his throne (#34) and sighed.

“No I can’t be bothered this time. Honestly, the boy is no threat. He doesn’t take after me at all.” Removing his cloak, Mykur looked over at Tonkins, and then added, “Actually, what am I saying? He's so cheery. He wants to please people; it’s like he’s adopted some type of slave mentality. Feed him to my hyenas. No reason the boy can't be of some use.”

“Very good, sir. Is there anything else?”

Mykur looked out the giant windows as his ship moved through space. The ship actually had the shape and appearance of a medieval castle. That way, Mykur had a castle on whatever planet he landed (often crushing an entire neighbourhood upon landing). While the castle ship was very impressive, it had terrible fuel economy.

“What's the latest on Giggle?” he asked.


“That's what I said!”

“Of course it was sir.”


Meanwhile, at the back of a bar on the backwards Planet Doon, Google was preparing to outline his plan...

“Well that’s the thing – it’s not treasure or money I seek. Tell me, have you ever heard the legend of the three heroes?” he asked Jupiter.

“Of course, everyone has. Once there were three heroes, pure of heart, able of body, blah yada etc. Together they defeated the demon creatures that came out of the Large Hadron Collider.”

“The Darklings, that’s correct,” said Google. “So you're familiar with the concept of the Trinity Key.”

A laugh escaped from Jupiter as Abe arrived back at the table.

“Hey Abe, I think these three want us to find the Trinity key.”

Abe blinked a couple of times, before shaking his head and heading back for the bar.

“I don't see what you find so amusing. Many scholars believe such a key exists,” said Justice.

“Crackpots,” dismissed Jupiter. “Every treasure hunter worth his salt has dreamt of finding the Trinity Key at one point or another, yet none have. Now, why do you think that is?”

“Perhaps by nature of their occupation, treasure hunters are opportunistic, lazy, unintelligent, unimaginative cretins,” suggested Liberty.

“Oh now, don’t go trying to sweet talk me into the mission. I don’t get seduced that easily.”

“Please Mr Black, just hear Google out,” said Justice. “In return, I’ll arrange for the first transfer of credits right now. Just give me two minutes.” Justice got up from the table and made his way towards the front of the bar.

Turning his attention back to the table, Jupiter watched as Google reached across and grabbed a rack containing the salt, pepper and cocaine shakers.

“Say this rack is the Trinity key.”

It might as well be thought Jupiter.

“Now consider this. It's widely believed the defeated Darklings gave the heroes some weapon or knowledge in return for sparing their lives and returning them to their dimension. Now whatever it was, it must've been something powerful. Powerful enough that the heroes didn't want to risk it falling into unworthy hands. So they locked it up.”

“With the fabled Trinity Key, that everyone has hunted for and never found.”

“But what if...” Google pulled the salt, pepper and cocaine shakers off their rack and moved them away from each other. “What if the trinity key is actually three keys – or more accurately a key made up of three parts. Each part hidden by one of the heroes.”

“I’m familiar with that theory,” replied Jupiter. “But there’s one problem: instead of one key we have no idea how to find, we now have three keys we have no idea how to find.”

“Until now. What if I told you I know where the first piece is.”

“I'd say you're finally starting to get my attention.”


“Our spy reports back that they’re currently on Planet Doon – on a quest.”

“On great, yet another Google search. What is he after this time?”

“The Trinity key.”

“Interesting, but I think he has finally served his purpose. It’s time we had him killed.”

“Really sir?”

“Yes, he represents hope to those on the council planets that are still resisting me. When Google dies, so too their hope, their resistance.”

“We have a fleet one jump from Doon. Shall I deploy them?”

“Do it. And make sure there’s at least one witness. I want this all over the news.”


“...was the leading scholar. She sent the information to me just before she died. Or it lead to her death.”

“But why? Why send it to you? Why not search for the key herself?”

“Well, I am the cho…”

“We know,” interrupted Abe as he arrived back at the table. “But if we don't make a move you’re going to be the dead one. I just spotted some of Mykur's soldiers landing outside.”

“He’s right,” added Justice as he came rushing in behind Abe.

“Great. And I don't think there's a back entrance out of this place,” said Jupiter.

“Actually, there are 47 possible points of entry and exit,” replied Justice.

“I say we take them head on,” added Liberty.

“You keep forgetting your role sis. Get Google to the ship – I'll make sure they don't follow. But we play this right we can get out without a shot being fired. Let's make that our priority.”

“It's a trap. They'll be waiting for you at your ship. We should head to The Love Crusader.”

“Ape has a point,” said Google.


“Where is your ridiculously-named ship docked?” asked Liberty.

“Chapter 5. We need to get to Chapter 5,” answered Jupiter.

Having originally been named after the novel Dune, the planet's council had also decided to name the different neighbourhood zones as chapters.

“Ok, air vents it is.”

Liberty jumped onto the table before lifting up and sliding across one of the ceiling panels. “Come on, hurry up,” she said, as she helped the others climb into the vent. The journey through the air vents was claustrophobic and difficult for all, except for Abe who was still feeling quite comfortably relaxed after a few drinks at the bar. Truth be told the air vents were purely aesthetic; the Down and Out Inn didn't rely on them at all. They were simply there because the Intergalactic Writer's Guild had ensured all air vents, aesthetic or otherwise, were mandatory and heritage listed – ensuring all writers could continue to write scenes where people escape through air vents, no matter how incredibly clichéd.

Using the GPS built into their clothes, the group slowly made its way up out through the mouse-maze like labyrinth of vents and onto the surface of Planet Doon where the temperature was a exhaustingly-dry 49 degrees. Slowly they sweated their way aboard The Love Crusader.

“Oh thank heavens we're out of that heat. Tell me, where's your pool?” asked Google.

“Pool? Uh, well I have a shower,” replied Jupiter.

“Oh, well, I mean that's perfectly acceptable. It's rustic; like camping.”

“It's a large shower...”

Liberty scanned the Doon surface then turned back to Jupiter.

“Justice just entered via the rear ramp. No sign of the soldiers, but they can't be far behind.”

Jupiter headed over to his recliner and flicked a few switches. “I'm gunning the engines now. Central, where's the nearest jump point?”

“We can't jump,” said Google as the hum of the engines grew louder. The Love Crusader started to viberate gently before bursting off the ground towards space.

“If the first piece of the key is where you say it is, we'll save hours by jumping.”

“I just really don't want to die today,” Google replied.

Teleporting had been perfected over 200 years ago and as such there were teleport stations all over the galaxy, cutting space travel times considerably. The only drawback to this convenience was that you needed to die. You see, teleporting inanimate objects is much easier than teleporting living organisms – so teleporting a ship is easier than teleporting an ant. The problem is for the sensors to accurately teleport, an object needs to be absolutely motionless, ironically meaning that the safest way to teleport was to teleport dead. Over the years scientists perfected a machine called the Dead-Ezy (also marketed as The Decease, The Terminator and Charon's Capsule by rival companies in some parts of the galaxy). The machine simply killed people by way of lethal injection, then resurrected them 2 seconds later when the teleport jump was complete. As far as death goes, it was really quite safe. Although in the few minutes after dying, most people would experience side effects like temporary paralysis and in extreme cases, vomiting.

“Okay, I get death sickness,” admitted Google. “Every jump makes me vomit for hours. Why do you think I'm so skinny despite all the weight training I'm put through?”

“Fine. Scenic route it is. Just remember, you pay by the day,” replied Jupiter.


Five hours into the flight, just as everyone was settling in for the night, the lights in the cockpit came alive, flashing on and off like a murder attempt on an epileptic.

“What is it?” asked Justice, looking over Jupiter's shoulder at the monitor attached to the recliner.

“Mykur's soldiers?” asked Liberty.

Jupiter studied the radar readings.

“No. Whatever it is, it's not a human ship. I think we've got Gen-En predators.”

“What animals are we dealing with?” asked Google.

“By the size and look of the ship, it could be anything. Most likely the usual suspects: Lions and tigers and bears."

“Oh my.”

4 Response to Chapter 4 - Escape to Chapter 5

  1. Tim Mc says:

    Hahahahahaha! Best one yet!

    Using the GPS built into their clothes and like a murder attempt on an epileptic bahahaha! Love your work.

    Not many people are willing use the less abled for hilarious metaphores, brilliant!

  2. Dale says:

    My favourite part was the air vents. :)

  3. Luke says:

    Thanks for the comments. Always interesting to see which bits/jokes people like best. Sometimes it's stuff I particularly liked too, and sometimes it's smaller stuff I didn't think anyone would notice.

  4. Jimzip says:

    "Together they defeated the demon creatures that came out of the Large Hadron Collider." is probably my favourite line this time.

    This really is pure genius. I would almost suggest locking this blog ... while still letting the four of us read it of course. ;)

    Jimzip :D