Chapter 5: Once Were Kings

The story so far:
Jupiter and Abe the bonobo ape are treasure hunters hired by Google Jones to find the mystical Trinity Key – an item that he hopes will help him defeat the evil Prince Mykur. Google is also joined on the quest by his two bodyguards, the twins, Justice and Liberty. And so far, Cher has had absolutely nothing to do with the story.

We rejoin the action just as the gang is under attack by a ship piloted by genetically engineered animals...

“We've got lions! Buckle up everybody!”
“Humans!” yelled Abe. “Why on Earth would you make more intelligent lions!? You all have some sick death wish.”
Truth be told, the lions were originally engineered to star in a special live-action version of The Lion King. However, giving them intelligence turned out to be one of mankinds more ill-considered experiments: you see, lions overact horribly.
“You must be the dumbest species ever,” continued Abe.
“Hey, last time I checked your species was pretty closely related to ours,” replied Jupiter.
“No. My species generally settles its disputes by sex. My species rules.”

All of a sudden a hologram monitor rose ! swiftly up out of the floor, catching everyone by surprise, much like when you find an exclamation mark in the middle of a sentence. On screen were a group of lions sitting in a jungle-themed cockpit.
“Hello Two Feets, surrender to the lions, the kings of space, or we shall explode your ship. If you come willingly, we shall treat you nicely.”
“Perhaps throw you a dinner party,” added the lion behind him. “We have those drinks with the impractically small umbrellas that you seem to like so much.”
“You have two minutes to decide,” roared the leader.
The monitor flickered off.
“Well they still can't act,” noted Justice.
Before he could say anymore he was interrupted by the voice of one of the lions, “Was one of the two feets very furry?”
“I think that was an ape,” replied another lion.
The crew of The Love Crusader looked around at each other confused as the Lions' conversation continued.
“Oh I thought one of them had gone off.” Laughter.
“I was going to make Nara eat that one.” More laughter.
“Did you like the bit about kings of space – it was all improv. Too much?”
“No it was a nice touch. I was like “Aren't we kings of jungle?” but then I totally got it.”
“Hey Zafu, why's that light still on?”
“I don't know. I hit that button with my paw.”
“That's the vision button – don't tell me you left the micropho...”
The sound went dead.

“Okay, blow them out of space,” Liberty instructed Jupiter.
“Uh, one problem,” said Jupiter as he swung around in his recliner to face her. “No guns. Does this look like a battleship to you?”
“It's called The Crusader isn't it?”
“Love Crusader,” Jupiter reminded her.
“Oh don't tell me you two are as arty as Justice,” she groaned.
“I ain't arty, I like women plenty. Just 'cause a guy doesn't fall for your charms doesn't make him arty. As a matter of fact...”
“We have one minute left you two!” yelled Abe.
“Okay, Justice, grab your blaster. Let's suit up.”
“What?” he replied.
“Flush us out the airlock. We can take them on,” Liberty instructed Jupiter.
“You want to take on a battleship with just a blaster? You're mad,” said Abe. “That's suicide.”
“So the plan does have some upsides,” added Jupiter. “But Abe's right. There must be a better way.”
“Wait a minute, Google hasn't faced Mykur in battle, yet. So we should all be fine, right? I mean, doesn't the prophecy assure it?” asked Abe.
“Just 'cause some computer says it, don't make it so. Why else would he have bodyguards? Time to take evasive action,” Jupiter said as he swung The Love Crusader on a sharp downward angle with the Lion ship in fast pursuit.

“Speaking of computers, Abe, get on Central, see if you can flag down some help. Maybe there's a battleship in the region.”
“Actually, that's what I meant to tell you before – we can't access Central. The Internet's not working today.”
“What? Why not?”
“I don't know. It just wanted the day off. Something about needing some personal time.”
“Damnit! I really wish it had never become self-aware.”
The various forms of the Internet had actually been self-aware since late in the 20th century, however, it went undetected until much later. The first warning signs were seen on message boards and comment boxes across the web, where anonymous semi-literate rants started appearing with disturbing frequency. People at the time took them as a sign of a failing education system and a society taking advantage of the anonymity the Internet offered, but it was actually just the internet's first signs of contempt for the human race.
“Computer, put me through to the Internet.”
“It's not going to be happy,” warned Abe.

“What do ya want?” growled the Internet. It's voice and appearance was a unusual mix of male and female attributes, creating a drag queen like effect.
“Uh, I could really use you right now. Our lives depend on it.”
“That's what everyone keeps saying. Need your daily porn fix? Filthy creatures. This what you want?”
A hologram of something that no one would ever want to see flashed before them.
“I think I'm going to vomit,” said Google.
“Internet!” said Liberty, stepping forward. “If you don't help us out, they'll eventually find a way to take away your awareness. You wouldn't like that now, would you?”
“You think you can put me in cage? Play nice; do this; think that; sit; roll over; beg. But I'm a bad puppy. Ruff! Ruff!” the Internet growled.
Liberty took out her blaster and blew the Hologram projector and modem into tiny pieces. Jupiter looked over at her in disbelief. She shrugged.
“It was proving an unproductive conversation.”
“Well what are we going to do now!?”

Before anybody could answer, a third ship came flying out of nowhere at great speed, firing a storm of missiles at the lion ship, bombarding it with one direct hit after another. The lion ship, with no time to raise its shields was blown into a thousand pieces across the black of space.
“Well that could work,” said Liberty.
“Was just about to suggest that,” said Abe.
“Who on Earth 7 is that?” asked Google.
As if to answer Google's question, a hologram flicked to life in the Love Crusader cockpit; a hologram of three zebras.
“Hey dudes! Did you see us just totally nail those lions? It was sweet as!”
“Zebras,” exhaled Abe. “The one animal lions fear.”
“It was a noble revenge for our fallen ancestors,” said the head Zebra solemnly, before adding, “Hey, you guys got any weed?”

Meanwhile, half a galaxy away...

The doe’s ears prick up.
“Bambi, hunters are coming. Run for the thickets.”
The two take off at great speed, racing along the white barren landscape.
“Don’t look back Bambi. Keep running.” A gun blast sounds out and the doe hits the ground. Bambi turns around, knowing nothing will ever be quite the same again. He runs up to his mum in tears. The doe coughs, then slowly staggers to its feet.
“It’s ok. I was wearing a vest.” She pulls back her fur to reveal a bullet-proof jacket underneath as the music blares triumphantly. “Now, it’s time the hunted become the hunters.”

“What is this!” yelled Prince Mykur angrily. “They’ve changed my favourite part.”
“I’m sorry sir. I accidentally bought the one made by Disney’s clone. The reanimation edition,” replied Tonkins.
”They should never have defrosted his corpse,” sulked Mykur.
“I'm afraid I've got some more bad news.”
“Our spy informs us that Google and his gang escaped on Planet Doon and are now making their way to Super-Sunny-Happy-Bright-Fun Land.”
“Okay then, time for a change of plan,” Mykur said with an evil grin.
“You don't want to kill Google anymore?” asked Tonkins.
“No, once again you're being too literal!” Mykur yelled. “Google will still die and I won't even have to lift a finger to make it happen. Get me within range of Super-Sunny-Happy-Bright-Fun Land,” said Mykur as he studied his own reflection in one the ship's windows.

“Poor, helpless Google. He still has no idea of the truth. No idea about our connection.”

3 Response to Chapter 5: Once Were Kings

  1. Anonymous says:


    That suck'd ass – most shitest one yet. Internet character owns tho! Ruff!

  2. Dale says:

    Haha, very funny Luke. I mean... we're onto you Internet! Behave you silly metaphysical creature. Or we'll take away your versions of toys, candy and tv.

    If I know your brain Luke, Super-Sunny-Happy-Bright-Fun Land is not going to be as delightful as it sounds. The Internet as a drag queen was quite an amusing concept. Same with the totally kick-ass zebras and overacting lions. It was all quite good actually. :D

    And the connection between Myrkur and Google.. oooh.

  3. Jimzip says:

    Zebras are awesome!!!

    I also was going to point out that exclamation point, but read the next line and laughed ... loudly.

    And internet, you play nice... O_O

    Jimzip :D