Chapter 7: Royally screwed

The story so far:

Jupiter and Abe the bonobo ape are treasure hunters hired by Google Jones to find the mystical Trinity Key – an item that he hopes will help him defeat the evil Prince Mykur. Google is also joined on the quest by his two bodyguards, the twins, Justice and Liberty. And so far, Cher still has had absolutely nothing to do with the story.

We rejoin the action just as Jupiter is surprised to discover Prince Mykur in his room...

Jupiter instinctively reached for his blaster, grabbing the handle, then releasing his grip at once.

You startled me, Your Majesty. I see you've now got control of the Emergency Hologram Service.”

Yes, I franchised another planet – Disneyworld World is now mine, giving me balance of power in the Intergalactic Council. I do love all the extra perks it brings.”

Jupiter casually leaned against the wall, secretly pressing the lock button on the door to his quarters – making sure no one could walk in on the conversation.

So why have you honoured me with your presence today?”

Oh now, now. You do disappointment me, Jupiter. I read your file and had assumed you were my spy.”

Your spy?”

Oh yes. You didn't think those troops on Planet Doon were just a happy coincidence, did you?”

I had wondered,” admitted Jupiter.

Now, I understand you have something of mine.”

Jupiter tried to steady his nerves as he looked back at the hologram, “I can't imagine what that could be.”

Don't play games with me, you won't win. Google. You have him and I want him. Hand him over and I'll make sure it's a very rewarding experience.”

How rewarding?”

You're in the red, Mr Black. Keep flying the path you're on and pretty soon you won't even have a ship.”

You think I need money that badly?”

Right now, you're so screwed The Bank of Scientology wouldn't even offer you a loan.”

I guess you have read my file,” Jupiter muttered.

Pacing the room Jupiter tried to think through his options while Prince Mykur watched him like a cat watching a mouse made of catnip.

Just for fun - what happens if I don't hand Google over?”

Prince Mykur smiled a smile that only his mother could love – if he hadn't killed her.

Let me tell you a funny story. A few years back I had someone design me the ultimate torturing device – once attached it sends the maximum amount of pain through every single one of the nerves in your body. The most pain a human can handle without blacking out. The first victim was to be my hairdresser – they never do style your hair the way you want, do they?”

Prince Mykur chuckled coldly to himself. “Oh my, you should have heard him scream – it was beautiful. Arousing. I returned past the torture room the following day and all I heard was silence. Angered that my new toy was faulty, I killed the so-called genius who designed it. Only later did I discover that the device was still working – my hairdresser had simply lost his voice from all the screaming. Oh, you really had to be there, it was priceless. The veins in his neck throbbing, spit coming from his mouth, eyes bulging out, but he was as quite as a dead kitten.”

A look of steely determination came across Prince Mykur's face. “The point is this – you don't give me Google, you'll be wishing I used that device on you. You have 48 hours.”

The hologram flickered off.


At breakfast, Jupiter called everyone together for a briefing before their arrival at Super-Sunny-Happy-Bright-Fun Land. The group all looked to the front of the table, paying full attention to Jupiter, except for Liberty who was busy cleaning her weapons.

Okay let's begin this: first up, what do we know about Super-Sunny-Happy-Bright-Fun Land?”

It sounds nice,” said Google.

Pfft,” snorted Abe. “What do they teach you at school?”

What?” asked Google.

Of course it sounds nice – they give all the planets on the outer-edges nice sounding names to make them appeal to people. No one wants to live that far away, so the worse the place, the greater the need for a nice name. Just look at all the names in this region: Cool-Sexy-Fun-Time Land, Puppy-Hugs World, Caroline Springs.”

Back to the point at hand,” said Jupiter. “What makes you think the first piece of the key is located here?”

Justice opened his mobile computer and scrolled down the screen via brainwave control. “Our source said that she had reason to believe Alexander Vogel was last seen in this location centuries ago.”

Vogel? Refresh my memory... which one of the three heroes was he?” asked Jupiter.

He was primarily known for his intelligence.” answered Justice. “He's said to be one the greatest thinkers of all time. It's often rumoured he created some sort of test whereby only the most intelligent could gain access to the key.”

Abe started laughing to himself, “Well, then this mission should be fun to watch.”

Jupiter looked across at Abe, “Actually, Abe, I need you to stay behind on The Love Crusader while I take the others down to the surface on Blackbird.”

Blackbird was the small space shuttle onboard The Love Crusader. All spaceships were required by law to have a shuttle in case of emergency situations requiring the crew to abandon ship.

But why leave me behind? If it's an intelligence test, you might need my help,” complained Abe.

No, I need you here monitoring for any sign of Mykur.”

Why? He has no idea we're even headed this way.”

The monkey has a point,” said Liberty without looking up from cleaning her blaster.

See! She called me a monkey!” cried Abe, pointing at Liberty. “For god's sake I'm an ape! You humans always get that wrong. This is why you need me!”

I'd just feel better knowing someone was keeping an eye out. Call it a hunch. The rest of you, get ready to head out – we should be in visual range of the planet any minute.”

A couple of beeping noises came from Jupiter's watch.

Speak of the devil. Central, lift blinds”

The blinds slowly rose in the cockpit, giving the crew their first view of Super-Sunny-Happy-Bright-Fun Land.

Cool! It's beautiful. It has rings just like Saturn,” said Google.

You're impressed by rocks and ice?” Liberty scoffed.

No. I'm impressed by floating rocks and ice,” Google replied.

Jupiter looked out the windows with a concerned expression.

"The report I read on the planet didn't say..."

Quickly, he made his way over to his cockpit chair and pressed some buttons on its monitor.

Uh, guys, we might have a problem...”

What is it?” Abe asked.

Those rings - they're not made out of rocks. They're bones; human bones.”

7 Response to Chapter 7: Royally screwed

  1. Luke says:

    Been struggling with writing lately, but I am proud of the planet's rings made out of skeletons idea. I think it'd look cool and haven't seen it done in a movie before. (Are you listening Hollywood!?) :) Also, there is a logical, scientific* explanation for it, which will be revealed next chapter.

    *May or may not resemble real science.

  2. Dale says:

    Hahahahaha, Caroline Springs. :D LOVED IT. That Princy Mykur is pretty messed up. Getting a little too stimulated by other people's pain I think. And when is Cher going to factor in? I need to know-ow-ow-ow (computer altered voice).

    Bones idea was very cool indeed. Although I too am impressed by floating rocks and ice lol. I wonder if that's what normal rocks and ice aspire to... And that's why there are so many rocks around rivers! They can't get to the sky to float so they try floating in water! Little do they know, they don't float in water...

    Ahem, anyway, nice entry. :)

  3. Luke says:

    Glad you like Caroline Springs. (Had also considered Surfers Paradise because it fit with the planet names, but decided I wanted to offend people in Caroline Springs more.) ;) Thanks for the comment and Cher impersonation!

  4. Jimzip says:

    Well firstly, I have a sneaking suspicion Cher is going to have something BIG to do with the story very soon... Like, HUGE. Like ... as big as Katey Sagal's hair in Married With Children huge ...

    - that big.

    Anyway, I did literally Laugh Out Loud (acronym suspended temporarily because of gross overuse on my part) at Caroline Springs, I haven't heard that for a long time. I still here that horrible, grating occa guy's voice every time I see the words. ('Carraloyne Springs'!)

    In any case, good chapter! Looking forward to your scientific explanation. (Oh and I just read the comments above ... Dale one of these times I shall beat you to the punch, and then *you* shall have to come up with something different to comment about! Muhahahah...)

    Jimzip :D

  5. Jimzip says:

    Oh by the way ... the Blackbird wouldn't happen to be made of carbon-composites would it? ;) I know you watch Battlestar Luke!

    Jimzip :D

  6. Luke says:

    Haha, I'm afraid Blackbird was just a happy coincidence. I forgot about a ship being called that on Battlestar. I simply named it Blackbird because it's Jupiter's ship - his surname is Black and it flies. :)

  7. Jimzip says:

    lol, I have to stop thinking you reference things all the time like I do...

    Jimzip :D