INTO THE BLACK

“You first,” said Abe.

“Fine,” Justice replied as he tied his rope to the end of a row of poker machines and approached the crater. Gently, he began to abseil down.

“It's safe,” he called back to the others once he'd reached the ground. “Get down here.”

“I guess we're just lucky Atlantis had a sports supply megastore,” Google said as he checked his harness a couple of times before beginning his descent.

Abe looked around the now deserted games floor and briefly considered heading to one of the empty bars instead. Then, deciding there was safety in numbers, even if those numbers were at the bottom of an ominous crater, he made his way down.

At the bottom of the dark cavern there was a small altar were a podium rested.

“It looks exactly like the one on Super-Sunny-Happy-Bright-Fun Land,” Google said.

“Only without the Trinity key,” added Abe.

Before this could sink in, a flickering, robed figure appeared at the end of the cavern and slowly approached them. The figure stopped before them, then dramatically lowered the hood from its robe.

“Mykur!” snarled Google.

“That's Prince Mykur to you, Google. You'll find it's wise not to anger me.”

“What's going on?” Justice said.

“What have you done with your hair?” Mykur replied. “You've got sort of a wet thing going on. Doesn't suit you.”

“Evil bastard,” muttered Justice.

“You're alive for one reason. You have the first piece of the Trinity Key, I have the second. You need both pieces to get the third.”

“We'll never give you our piece!” Google said.

“Oh, I think you will. You see, by entering the cavern you triggered my security system. Right now, there's a massive planet destroyer heading your way. So, a piece of the key in return for your lives seems as good a deal as you're likely to get.”

“How do we know we can we trust you?” Abe asked.

“Quiet monkey, humans are talking here,” Mykur replied. “Go get drunk like the rest of your failed kind.”

Abe slunk back behind the others.

“You have one hour to make your decision. By then the destroyer will be in place.”

The hologram flickered off.

#

“I can't believe I'm going to die on the same damn planet I was born,” Jupiter said as he kicked some stones near the wall of rocks that blocked their exit.

“You give up way too easily,” Liberty said sternly as she fired some shots from her blaster into the wall to no effect.

“Maybe I just know when to quit.”

“No, you simply quit whenever things get difficult - like how you ran out on Belle. Well toughen up! We're not dead yet.”

“You know nothing about Belle and me! You wouldn't have the first clue,” Jupiter snapped back.

Liberty slumped down against a wall, tilting her head back against it.

“Maybe I don't. Maybe that's why I'm jealous of it,” Liberty said softly, almost to herself.

“Jealous?”

“The academy, they discourage emotional attachments. You can't afford to trust anyone – doing so can get you or your charge killed. It's too big a weakness: your loved ones can be used against you; they can betray you. It's drilled into you so many times you can't not believe it. And they're probably right – but right now, I know something. It's no way to live. So, yeah, if we are going to die here, I'm jealous. At least you've been in love. At least you have the memories. There's a reason they say it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.”

Jupiter turned around to face her.

“Well then they're moronic idiots who've never been in love! Trust me, I should be the one envying you. The academy got it right: when it comes down to it, it's just you and you alone. You're the only thing you can count on.”

Liberty watched Jupiter silently before deciding to push the issue, “What happened with you and Belle? You went to Soulmates Inc. the day before the wedding, didn't you?”

Jupiter couldn't hide his surprise any better than you could hide a combover in zero-g.

“How'd you...?”

“I put some pieces together after talking to Belle. She mentioned she always wanted lots of kids – but for that you'd need a golden marriage. It's not cheap, but at the time you'd just found Uwe Bolle's Oscar. That would've been enough to pay for a Soulmates Inc. compatibility test before the wedding. What I can't work out is: what exactly happened next? You scored so low that you got cold feet? She wasn't your soulmate?”

“Soulmates,” Jupiter scoffed, bitterness coating the word. “The concept sounds so sweet, so innocent... so harmless. And then you meet her and she's your everything. Your world. Somehow in a dark galaxy it all makes sense. Your life makes sense. You suspect some greater purpose in it all – that the universe plays to some wonderful symphony and if you listen close enough you can be one of the lucky few that gets to hear it. The greatest tune ever created playing to all five senses. Just looking at her... you could watch her for a millenium and not get bored.”

He slumped down to the ground, next to Liberty.

“And then you learn the truth. She might be your soulmate, but you ain't hers. And just like that, your entire world is gone. You're alone. No purpose. No tune. Nothing. So spare me your romanticisms about how it's better to have loved and lost.”

Liberty sat quietly not sure what to say. The only sound came from Billy, softly breathing in and out as he slept soundly. Finally Liberty found her voice.

“Harvard's surname is also Black... They got the tests mixed up, didn't they?”

Jupiter's face told her she'd guessed right.

“Their compatibility rating was off the charts: 99+. One of the highest scores ever recorded. The company apologised for the mistake, of course, and did a reading for Belle and me. 91.”

“That's still amazingly high. It's like a trillion to one getting a score that high.”

“Might as well be zero. I loved Belle with all my heart. All my heart – but that's not enough is it? If someone could make her happier... how could I go on knowing that?”

“So you set things up in such a way that they were sure to meet. So that she'd fall in love with him instead.”

“Maybe. I don't know. I think part of me still hoped they wouldn't fall in love. That the test would be proven wrong. It didn't work out that way, though.”

Liberty got up from her seat, pacing back and forward.

“But you could've fought for her. You just gave up – you never let Belle have a say in things. Numbers are just numbers. If she loved you, surely that's all that matters.”

Jupiter looked down at the ground, picked up a couple of stones.

“She never loved me the way she loves him. The way she looks at him. He's her world – the same way she was mine. I only watched from a distance, but I could see it clearly enough.”

He rolled a stone along the ground and smiled a smile that didn't match the sadness in his eyes.

“It's twisted. I love seeing her happy. So seeing her with him, it actually lifts me up at the same time it breaks me apart.”

“You must hate him.”

Jupiter shook his head slowly.

“You're still not getting it, Lib. I get why she loves him. He's incredible - better than me in every way. She deserves him. Heck, I could just about turn arty for him. There's no bad guy; there's no villain in this. Sometimes the universe just deals you a bad hand.”

“Why are we telling each other all this? Are we actually... starting to trust each other?”

“Nah, I think the army must've started their interrogations. It's probably Veritas gas wafting down to us.”

Liberty laughed.

“You're probably right...” she put her hand to her head, a sudden realisation hitting her. “My god, that's it! I've never really trusted anyone – not even you. Quick! Take off your clothes.”

#

Abe sat at the bar pouring himself another scotch as Google watched on.

“Will you stop drinking? We need to think of a way out of this.”

“We're stuck at the bottom of the ocean, being stalked by a dinosaur shark, have no ship in which to escape and if somehow we did escape, we'll still probably be blown to pieces by a warship that's out there waiting for us,” Abe replied dryly.

“When you say it like, it does sound rather grim, doesn't it?” Google admitted.

Justice entered the bar looking defeated. Google turned in his direction.

“No luck?”

“Afraid not. The latest news is that we now have a death order on our heads. No sane person in the galaxy would dare attempt a rescue mission.”

“What about Jupiter and Liberty?” Google asked.

“No word from them.”

“So let's just give Mykur the key,” Abe slurred.

“And let him destroy the galaxy? I'd sooner die,” Google said.

“You sooner will,” Abe replied.

“You're not helping Abe,” Justice snapped.

“Well what do you want from me!? I know what you think - that I'm just a dumb ape! Well guess what!? You're right! I couldn't even write one damn line of shakespeare to save myself!”

Abe grabbed his glass of scotch and made his way to the other side of the bar away from Justice and Google.

Google stood up, ready to chase after him, but Justice put a hand on his arm.

“Let him go. We can't waste time arguing. We need to work out a plan.”

“I know – that's why we need him,” Google replied.

He found Abe slumped in one of the back booths.

“Can't a guy get drunk in peace?” he asked.

“We need you,” Google said.

“If this wasn't such good scotch, I'd throw the glass at you. You need me!? Most of the time you can't even get my name right.”

“So I'm bad with names! Get over it! Don't let what Mykur said affect you – if you do, he's won.”

“I've got news for you kid, he won a long time ago.”

“No. There's a way out of this. You can do it.”

“I can do it!? What can I do?”

“I read some of your books. They're amazing, Abe. So what if you don't write Shakespeare? Newsflash: Shakespeare's already been written. You create entire new worlds. Exciting places and characters that I loved reading about. That's far more impressive than repeating someone else's words. So, you can drink yourself into a stupor here or you can put your imagination to work and get us out of this mess. What will it be?”

Abe lifted the glass up to his lips, then hesitated before resting it back down, untouched.

“Ok, I might have one idea,” he said. “But it's a hell of a long shot.”

#

“Huh...?” said Jupiter. “I mean ok!” he added as he started to strip off excitedly. "Might as well go out in style."

“No, I don't mean... I didn't trust you when I first met you, so I kind of, well, embedded some microblasts in your clothes. That way, I could neutralise you if you became a threat.”

“Oh... yeah... that's what I thought you meant,” Jupiter said, starting to blush. Then, when the realisation hit him: “You put bombs in my clothes! Are you insane!?”

“You're missing the point,” Liberty replied. “If we place your clothes in some of the cracks in the rocks, maybe we can blow our way free.”

“Oh you can bet we're going to chat about this later,” he said as he continued to strip off. “And I should mention it's freezing in here,” he added as he removed his underpants.

Eventually the rock wall looked stylish, covered in Jupiter's clothes as he shivered, jogging on the spot to stay warm. After some pleading, Liberty tossed him her sweater.

“Stand back,” she instructed as she pressed some buttons on her watch. A small holographic number pad popped up a few inches above it. Liberty quickly punched in eight digits and placed her hands over her ears.

The explosion sent rocks everywhere - the wall crumbling down as Billy rose up, awake in shock.

“I don't have Narcolepsy, I...,” he then looked across at Jupiter in confusion. “Why are you nake...” He collapsed back to the ground asleep before he could finish the sentence.

“Come on, we need to get out of here; we need to get back to the Blackbird,” Jupiter said as Liberty quickly lifted Billy up.

Jupiter stepped through the debris and out into the howling Mars' wind. He leaned down to the ground, spotting something.

“Hey, my underwear didn't blow up.”

“Yeah, I didn't put any microblasts in your underwear,” Liberty answered as she followed Jupiter out into the cold.
“Why didn't you say something? I could've keep them on,” he said as he hurriedly pulled them up.

“It must've slipped my mind,” she said with the hint of a smile.

#

Abe sat forward, watching the monitor intently while Justice and Google nervously looked up. Above them, a massive planet destroyer spaceship was clearly visible through the casino's clear glass ceiling. The Megalodon circled the ship cautiously. Without warning a laser shot out from the planet destroyer, exploding the ancient shark like a cheap pinyata, sending blood and guts floating down towards the casino roof.

“Come on, come on. We're running out of time,” Justice said anxiously.

Abe shushed him as some green type ran across the black screen.

Did you say... dolphins?

The story so far:

Our heroes have split up in their efforts to find the fabled Trinity Key and stop the evil Prince Mykur. Liberty and Jupiter have travelled to Mars where they're under attack, having failed to stop a kill order being placed on all their heads. Meanwhile, Google, Abe and Justice are on the water world of Atlantis where they hope to find the second piece of the Trinity Key.

And so far, if this story was a map of the world, there would be no country named Cher-topia.

Now, the story continues...

#

“They're adopted you idiot!” Belle yelled at Jupiter through the barrier that now separated them.

“Well how was I supposed to know! You could've mentioned that!”

“Oh I'm sorry, I was a little busy trying to get you NOT KILLED!”

“Well that's working out just great isn't it!”

Harvard tapped Belle lightly on the arm.

“Uh, where's Billy?”

“Your parents took him to the clinic for observation, he's still having trouble... Oh no!" A look of horror appeared on Belle's face as she started to shake slightly.

"What is it?" Harvard asked as he rested his hands on her shoulders.

"The clinic's on Fforde street. We're locked off from him!”

“It's ok. Stay with me, baby. We'll work something out. We can handle this.”

“We... we can't get to him,” she said as her eyes started to fill with tears. “If the army...”

“Wait!” said Jupiter. “Fforde street! We can reach that from our side!”

“He's right!” said Harvard.

“But then what? You're blocked off from any exits,” Belle said.

“Not necessarily,” Harvard replied. “There's an emergency exit under the holo-theatre left over from the war days. It may still be operational. There's a lever hidden under one of the front row seats in the main cinema.”

“I know the place! We can escape out there before the army take hold. We'll get him out. He'll be ok, Belle. You have my word.”

“Please Jupiter! You've got to,” Belle begged.

“Hey, how hard can one kid be?” said Liberty.

Belle and Harvard glanced at each other but said nothing. Off in the distance explosions could be heard.

“Hurry!” screamed Belle

“Don't worry,” Jupiter said. “You can count on me.”

#

Abe looked down at his bloody fist as he prepared to dive out of the hole in the stingray.

“Good thing blood doesn't attract sharks,” he muttered.

Google went to say something but a look by Justice stopped him dead.

“Yeah, good thing,” he said instead.

“You do know how to swim, don't you?” asked Justice.

“Of course!” Abe lied. “You think just because I'm an ape I can't swim? Typical human!”

“Ok, well here goes,” Justice said as he grabbed the edges of the torn roof and pulled himself up, out into the dark water. Abe followed Justice and Google out, the chill from the water feeling like a thousand tiny bites on his body, but he was more worried about gigantic bites, keeping a constant lookout for any sign of the Megalodon. The seaport entrance was only twenty feet away, but it seemed forever away as the three swam as fast as they could manage towards it. Behind them, the waterlogged stingray sunk silently to the bottom of the ocean.

Justice and Google reached the entrance first as Abe struggled, flailing his arms and legs everywhere. All he could think of was all the times he'd arrogantly mocked humans obsession with being able to stay buoyant and move about underwater – swinging between trees was a far more practical skill. In between his panicked thoughts he watched as Justice and Google gripped a wheel attached to the seaport's airlock entrance. With all their might they strained to turn the wheel – an exercise that proved far easier when Justice realised Google was pushing the wheel the wrong direction. With effort they forced the door open wide enough for Google to slip inside before Justice turned back for Abe. What he saw when he glanced back didn't look very promising.

Abe was now staring face to shark face with a white pointer. The shark slowly circled Abe, like a cat waiting to pounce – most likely only hesitating because it was momentarily confused by the unusual sight of an ape underwater. Eventually deciding that sharks can't afford to be fussy eaters, it swung into attack position swimming at pace straight for Abe. Shutting his eyes, Abe prepared himself for a sharp end that never came, because at the last minute the Megalodon roared down from overhead snacking on the bite-sized white pointer. The rush of water as the Megalodon swooped by propelled Abe into Justice's path, who grabbed hold of him around the waist and raced them both to the seaport entrance, into the airlock.

Abe collapsed to the ground, coughing up water.

“Ok, that was insanely lucky,” Justice said laughing.

“Well then you've come to the right place,” Google said as he swung open a door at the other end of the airlock, revealing the most opulent casino ever created.

“Welcome to Atlantis.”

#

Liberty and Jupiter arrived to find the good doctor looking less than good. Collapsed against the front door of his clinic, he had laser blast wounds to his stomach and shoulders. Groggily he raised his blaster as they approached.

“Jupe... Jupiter is that you?” he said, squinting.

“It's me, Doctor Cole.”

“Oh thank god, I thought they were coming back. Did Belle...? You've got to get the boy – I hid him in the basement to keep him safe.”

“It's ok, we're going to get you both to safety,” Jupiter said, kneeling down to look the doctor in the eye. Then to Liberty, “Apply pressure to his wounds while I get Billy.”

As if on cue the doctor coughed. “Don't worry about me, it's too late. Just get the boy. You've got it get him out of here.”

“Don't say that doc, you're going to be fine,” Jupiter said.

“I'm a doctor – pretty sure I'm not going to be fine.”

“Well then we'll get a second opinion,” Jupiter said as he rushed into the clinic, taking the steps down to the basement three at a time.

At the bottom of the stairs he found a meek-looking seven year old boy with dirt-blonde hair, milky, light-brown-coloured skin and bright-blue eyes.

“Hi!” said the boy happily.

“Billy – I'm here to take you to safety. It's okay, your mum and dad - Belle and Harvard sent me.”

“Oh, I like them,” Billy replied.

“Yes, they're swell. Now let's get moving.”

“Wait, there's something important I need to tell you!”

And with that the boy fell promptly into a deep sleep.

“Oh great, you couldn't do that at the top of the stairs,” Jupiter moaned as he picked up the boy and started the trek back upstairs.

Outside he found Liberty. One look told him that the doctor's diagnosis had been accurate.

“Come, we need to get out of here,” he said with a sigh.

#

Inside, the casino was dark; just the emergency lights giving hint to the extravagant interior. Justice felt his way over to a circuit breaker near the entrance and fired the electricity grid back up. All three shielded their eyes as the now brilliant light from thousands of chandeliers revealed elegant marble walkways, towering arches and an almost infinite sea of poker machines and roulette wheels. At odds with the stunning vista was a dank, musky smell.

“Does anyone else smell wet dog?” asked Google.

Abe shot him a dirty look as he went about shaking dry his fur.

“I had no idea this place was so massive,” Justice finally said, almost in awe.

“Well, it was one of the biggest terraforming operations ever carried out,” Google said.

“How the hell are we supposed to find the second piece of the key down here?” Abe asked. “This place is the size of a city. Bigger!”

“Was there anything that stood out about Atlantis when you read up about it?”

“Not really. Basically, it was just a disaster. Got bankrupted in one night when some of the big rollers got on a lucky streak.”

“A lucky streak... with what?” Justice asked.

“I don't know – gambling I assumed,” Google replied.

“But what type?”

“What are you thinking?” asked Abe.

Justice raced off down the aisles of poker machines.

“Spread out!” he called back to the others.

“What's going on?” yelled Abe.

“Just trust me. Take out any money you have and play the poker machine in front of you,” Justice said, his voice echoing around the casino.

He fumbled around his pocket for some coins, grasped some and clumsily shoved them into the machine, pulling down the lever. Cherries, bars, rainbows, the number seven, stars and more went flashing before his eyes.

Clunk. Clunk. Clunk. Clunk.

“Cherry, Rainbow, Seven, Star” he muttered to himself. “What do you get?” he called out to Google.

“Bar, Seven, Cherry, Rainbow,” Google yelled back.

“Abe?”

“Cherry, Seven, Cherry, Bar,” he responded. “What's going on?”

“This way!” Justice called out, running towards Abe.

He flew right by the confused bonobo before skidding to a stop about 100 metres later. Coins in the slot.

Clunk. Clunk. Clunk. Clunk.

Justice laughed and pumped his fist.

“What is it?” asked Abe.

“Cherry, Cherry, Cherry, Seven,” he said

“You need four cherries to win,” Abe replied.

“We're already winning,” Justice said as he went racing off further west, deeper into the casino.

Abe shot Google a look.

“I think he may have gone insane. If it turns out we need to eat someone to survive, I nominate him.”

Google laughed. “I think I know what's going on,” he said as he raced after Justice.

They found Justice perched nervously in front of a machine – his hand holding a coin over the slot, ready to be dropped in.

“Can someone fill me in on what's going on?”

“Super-Sunny-Happy-Bright-Fun Land. The key messed with the gravity suppressor...”

“You think something similar happened here,” said Abe, getting up to speed.

“Exactly. I'm thinking the lucky streak was caused by the key interfering with the machines. I think the closer we get to the key, the more the machines will pay jackpots.”

“Crap! It's just too bad the machines have already been bled dry,” Abe said. The others looked at him. “But... you know, it's good about maybe finding the key. That's good.”

#

Carrying the boy, Jupiter and Liberty rushed through the city streets to the old holo-theatre. What few soldiers they encountered along the way were easily dispatched by Liberty. They raced up the steps to the museum just as a public annoucement played over the city's loudspeakers.

“This is Commander Watson of the Mykurian Army. Your planet is now officially under our rule. If you surrender peacefully, no harm will come to you.”

Some disagreement over the wording of the sentence could be heard faintly in the background.

“Fine, fine. No harm will probably come to you,” the Commander added before muttering, “Who let a lawyer into the room?”

The PA system went dead.

Inside the holo-theatre Jupiter and Liberty followed Harvard's instructions, searching the front row seats for some sort of lever, while Billy slept peacefully. Without warning, they were surrounded by soldiers in all directions.

“Prepare to pack your bags, you're on a one way trip to deadville,” growled the lead soldier.

A disco's worth of laser beams exploded from Liberty's blaster as she shot up the theatre. Finally she relaxed her grip on the trigger as little spot fires burnt quietly around the outskirts.

“Relax Lib, it's just a holo-film: Soldiers of death. This theatre has surround vision,” Jupiter said trying to clam her.

“Oh, I know. I just really hated that movie,” she replied casually as the theatre's sprinkler system kicked in and she placed her gun back in its holster.

Thwoomp!

A small entranceway opened up at the front of the theatre.

“Bingo,” said Jupiter, getting up from the seat he was under.

“Let's get off this planet already,” Liberty said as she raced over to grab Billy. Jupiter was first into the underground passageway, then Billy as Liberty lowered him down before making her own way into the passage.

Down below was a dark, ancient path that looked to be cut out of the rock of Mars itself. Jupiter and Liberty turned up the lighting options on their clothes and carefully followed the trail as it wound its way up and around towards the surface. After about 500 metres the tempreature had plummeted to near freezing levels. Gradually the cave got more and more cramped until finally the path ended, completely blocked by a wall of rocks.

Jupiter searched for a control panel but there was none to be found.

“I think this must be a natural cave-in,” he finally said as he ran his hand through his hair.

“You mean... there's no way out?” Liberty asked.

“And there's an army headed this way. That's about the size of it,” Jupiter added.

#

Justice lead the others west to the epicentre of the jackpot circle. That was when they saw it. A massive twenty metre hole in the middle of the gaming room floor.

“That must be where the key...” said Justice.

“Then that means...” said Google.

“Someone beat us to it,” finished Abe.

“A legendary sea creature of gargantuan size, the Kraken has made appearances in many famous fictional works,” the voice from the stingray's monitor informed the ship's occupants as Abe glanced out the cockpit window nervously.

“Perhaps one of the most celebrated appearances by the fearsome sea monster is in the poem The Kraken by Tennyson:

Below the thunders of the under deep,

Far far beneath in the abysmal sea,

His ancient, dreamless, uninvaded sleep

The Kraken sleepeth: faintest sunlights flee

Sounds scary – but don't worry, you're safe behind the barrier,” continued the chirpy voice.

“I can't see any sign of it,” said Justice as he scanned the ocean.

“The barrier?” asked Abe.

“No, the Kraken. If it's so massive, why can't we see it?”

“I've got a theory,” said Google.

“They made it invisible, didn't they? When will they ever learn!?” moaned Abe.

“No, I think we're going to be ok – I think maybe it's died off. A lot of genetically-engineered creatures have short life spans,” Google continued.

“Nice to see you were paying attention in our science classes,” said Justice.

“We hope you enjoyed the Kraken. But, the fun hasn't ended just yet. If you look to your right, you'll be among the first to discover the mysterious Loch Ness Monster,” instructed the voice from the monitor. “Nicknamed Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster is a debated, mythical creature said to inhabit what once was Loch Ness in the Scottish highlands. Fun fact! Nessie was commonly speculated to be from a line of long-surviving plesiosaurs.”

“Fun Fact: Is it a meat eater or vegetarian?” Abe spoke back to the monitor.

“Plesiosaurs were carnivores,” Justice answered.

“Oh great!”

“Well it looks like it's another carnivore that has died off,” said Google.

“Um, guys, what if these sea creatures didn't have short life-spans... what if they were eaten by something bigger?” Abe asked as a giant shadow passed over the cockpit window.

#

“Well that could have gone better,” said Harvard as the chant of 'Hang them' finally started to die down.

“So what now?” asked Liberty. “They won't really hang us will they.”

“No, we don't allow capital punishment on Mars, but if you're still here when Mykur's kill order is passed you won't last long. But not to worry, Belle and I have worked out an escape plan.”

As he finished his sentence green lights started flashing around the chamber as a shrill siren violated the air.

“Is that part of the plan?” asked Liberty.

“No. No, that's... that's worrying,” Harvard said before racing back to his balcony.

“What's going on!?” Liberty asked Jupiter.

“Clearance sale,” he replied.

“If you think you can make it to the south side exit in the next ten minutes to evacuate, please do so. Everyone else, gather your family and friends and head to the bunker under Mr Softy's Ice Creamery. We're under attack,” Harvard said into the microphone. Liberty glared across at Jupiter.

“Oh, wait, that's right... The red alarm is for clearance sales.”

#

“The Megalodon were giant sharks that lived around ten to fifteen million years ago during the late neogene period. Some believe these ancient creatures could grow up to 100 feet long and mainly dined on whales. Fun fact: Megalodon means big tooth in Greek,” informed the voice on the monitor happily.

“Oh great, a dinosaur shark. How the hell do we kill that?” asked Abe.

“Meteorite?” suggested Google.

A loud screeching noise filled the air as oversized teeth sliced their way into the submersible. With violent force the stingray was tossed around around like a rubber duck floating in a bathtub when a fat person hops in.

“Quick! We need to force the teeth loose. The 'ray can't take much more of this. We're getting tossed around like a rubber duck in a bathtub when a fat person hops in,” yelled Justice.

Abe started punching one of the teeth with his fist as hard as he could.

“Owwww!”

“What?”

“It's very sharp!” he yelled back as he looked down at his now bloodied fist.

“New plan,” said Justice as he unbuckled his seatbelt and pulled out his blaster. “Let's see how it likes having its teeth drilled.”

Taking aim at the tooth closest to him, Justice gave it the full brunt of the laser until it turned bright red and start to crack. With a violent jerk, the metal groaned as the teeth came free from the roof.

“Well, that's one problem solved,” Justice said calmly as water started to flood in at an alarming rate through the holes now left in the submersible.

“Arrgggghhhhh,” screamed Abe. The others turned to face him.

“What is it now!?

“The water's really, really cold,” Abe said sheepishly.

#

Belle came running down the steps of the auditorium, pushing her way through the panicked crowd heading in the opposite direction. As she arrived she tossed two blasters to Jupiter and Liberty.

“I snuck these in. Had a feeling you might need them.”

“What's the situation?” Liberty asked as she examined her blaster.

“Looks like the kill order was rushed through. Feel like taking on an army?”

“Always up for a challenge. How big's the army?” Liberty asked.

“Small - by army standards. It won't be long before someone spills that you're here. We need to get you off this planet ASAP. I'm guessing they've got armies scouting for you everywhere.”

“It's always nice to feel wanted,” muttered Jupiter.

“So what's the plan? SurfWorld exit? Sneak them off on the The Love Bug?” asked Harvard.

“Exactly. I'll get the twins and Billy from your parents. You take Jupiter and Liberty to the fountain. I'll meet you there. Don't stop for anything – if they start to shut down the city, there's no way past the barriers,” Belle said before giving Harvard a kiss. “I love you,” she added before turning and running back up the auditorium stairs.

“Quick, follow me. I know a short cut,” Harvard said as he slidback part of the floor revealing a secret entrance.

#

“Look there's a seaport to the right. Head there!” Abe yelled to Justice over the sound of water rushing in and smoke coming from the sub's damaged roof.

“I can't! Atlantis's computers are still overriding our system,” he replied as a burst of sparks exploded above them.

“What was that?” asked Google.

“The override system?” asked Abe full of hope.

“Afraid not. We're going to get fried or drown if we stay here,” Jupiter said.

Google looked around the ship for solutions.

“What do you suggest?” he asked.

“We need to swim for it. We should be able to fit through one of the holes.”

“That thing out there bit a hole big enough for us to swim through and you want to go out there!” exclaimed Abe.

“It's that or drown in here. Your choice.”

“I really, really hate Atlantis.”

#

Harvard led Liberty and Jupiter back up onto the street as alarms continued to sound.

“Some of my ancestors helped design the original Southland – thanks to them I know a few handy secrets,” he explained. “Now if we just wait here, Belle should...,” Without warning he pulled out his blaster, pointing it directly at Jupiter's head.

“Duck!” Liberty and Harvard shouted together.

Jupiter did as told. Blasts fired out, putting pay to two soldiers dressed in black fifty feet ahead.

“Nice shooting. You got the one on the right,” Harvard said.

“Like hell! I got them both,” Liberty replied with a smile. “You aim a little high. But not bad.”

Jupiter casually picked himself up from the ground. Harvard spied the dead soldiers nervously.

“If they've made it inside. Belle...”

“Relax, here she comes,” Jupiter said, pointing at Belle approaching them from behind. She was running as fast as she could while carrying a couple of five year old girls.

“Belle!” Harvard yelled and went running off to greet her and the kids.

THWACK!

Without warning grated barriers came smashing down in front of Liberty and Jupiter, separating them from the others and the rest of Southland.

“Oh great! They've shutting down the city. Now what?”

But Jupiter didn't answer. Instead he just stood staring blankly ahead through the barrier as Harvard hugged his girls; Jupiter's face going whiter than a blizzard.

“What's the matter?” Liberty asked.

“Those girls... they're about five years old, right?”

“So?”

“I left Belle less than five years ago.”

Jupiter and Liberty stood at the front of what appeared to be a typical courtroom. However, instead of a judge's seat there was a large screen display. To either side of the display were two balconies and behind Liberty and Jupiter, audience seating ascended five stories high in a semi-circular arc. So, on second thought, it didn't look much like a typical courtroom at all.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Jupiter asked.

“No reason,” Liberty said with a sly grin.

“Did you poisoned me?”

“Will you just relax already,” she replied. “How does this Federation thing work anyway?”

“Our lawyer will come out on the left balcony and plead our case, while another lawyer will argue against us on the right balcony.”

“And then the judge decides?”

“No – we got rid of judges centuries ago in favour of a more democratic process. The worm decides.”

“Some sort of genetically-engineered smart worm?”

Jupiter laughed.

“No, everyone in the audience has a dial. As the lawyers make their arguments, the audience move the dial according to which side is winning in their view. On screen the audience's overall opinion is represented by a line that swings up and down according to the whims of the crowd. We call the line, the worm. Then, at the end of the arguments, if the worm is more up than down, we win.”

Liberty thought it over as people started filing into the seats behind them. Eventually the auditorium filled and conversation started to hush in anticipation of the lawyers arrival. Liberty examined the crowd.

“The Federation is a strange mix of people.”

“Oh they're just a random selection of Malacandrians – no one can know for sure who the Federation will consist of on any given day. Less chance of bribery this way.”

“Well, I guess it makes sense – also with this system the results should be less influenced by one person's bias. I wonder why more planets haven't adopted the system.”

“Well, it does have some drawbacks,” Jupiter replied.

Before he could explain those drawbacks, the lights went out and music filled the auditorium as a booming voice cried out, “Please welcome the representative for the negative team, Wyatt Wilbur.” A spotlight focused in on the right balcony as Wyatt entered, waving happily to the crowd. The Federation clapped his entrance enthusiastically. Then, the spotlight swung around to the balcony on the left.

“And, keep the applause going for the representative for the affirmative team, Harvard Black.”

#

“Arrrrrrggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” Abe screamed as the stingray splashed down into the ocean, bobbling a couple of times on the water's surface before sinking under. Down below the wild waves, Atlantis suddenly seemed calm, peaceful.

“Are we dead yet?” asked Abe.

“Open your eyes,” Justice said gently.

Abe opened one eye and set sight on the underwater city.
“Whoa.”

The capital city sparkled in the distance, hundreds of miles away. One of the most expensive terraforming operations ever attempted, Atlantis was to be the galaxy's biggest, most over the top casino. Despite costing over 12 billion trillion gatesian trillion billion million credits – the owners of the casino expected to turn a profit on their opening night where they invited the galaxy's richest and most famous people. Unfortunately for them, in what was assumed at the time to be some sort of computer glitch, almost all of the machines paid out jackpots nonstop. Like the fabled island itself, the company behind Atlantis sunk without a trace in a single day and night of misfortune.

“Head up a bit, I want to be closer to the surface in case this thing starts to leak,” Abe instructed Justice.

Justice gripped the controls then looked across at Abe nervously.

“It's not responding. We're sinking.”

#

“Why do I just keep getting deeper and deeper in trouble when you're around?” Liberty asked as she turned her attention to Harvard Black, who looked more movie star than lawyer.

“Relax, this is probably the best thing that could happen. Everyone knows my history with Belle, the fact that Harvard is representing us suggests our cause is worthy of everyone's support no matter what they think of us. Plus, he's actually a good guy,” Jupiter yelled to Liberty over the crowds cheering.

“Is he your brother?”

“No, Black is a pretty common surname.”

The balconies that the two lawyers stood on slowly descended and Harvard made his way over to Jupiter and Liberty.

“Anything I should know before I get back up there to present our case?” Harvard asked.

“Just that the outcome could determine the fate of the entire universe. If you can delay the kill order, we could save the galaxy from Mykur,” Liberty replied.

“Oh good, no pressure then,” Harvard laughed. “Jupiter anything you want to add? Perhaps that assassins will shoot me dead if I say the word 'um'?”

Jupiter shook his head.

“Well, wish me luck,” Harvard said with a smile as he returned to the balcony, which rose back up into the air with him on-board. The crowd grew as silent as mute mimes as they awaited his speech.

“Federation, I stand before you now to implore you to... Federation, I beg that you... I'm sorry, I've lost my train of thought,” Harvard said as he put his hand to his head as if unable to go on.

“Deeper and deeper,” muttered Liberty.

“I'm sorry, I'm just a little distracted today,” Harvard told the crowd. “I just can't remember ever seeing the Federation look as attractive as they do today! You're all so damn good looking!”

The crowd went ballastic as the worm shot up in favor of Jupiter and Liberty.

#

“Argh,” Justice said under his breath.

“Arrgghhhhh,” gasped Google.

“Arrrrgggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,” screamed Abe.

“Welcome to Atlantis,” said a voice from the Stingray's cockpit monitor. “Sit back, enjoy the tour and leave the driving to us.”

“Huh?” said Abe.

Justice laughed.

“It's an override system. It's must've taken control of the 'ray. It's going to lead us straight to the casino.”

“There are hundreds of things to see and do during your stay at Atlantis,” the monitor continued as it displayed corresponding images on-screen. “Feeling lucky? Why not try your hand at some high stakes poker in Plato's Poker Pit. Or, if relaxation is more your game, book some time with Henri Merk, the universe's most famous masseuse. Thanks to four successful arm transplants, his six hands will work wonders on your tired and aching muscles. However, if you're looking for entertainment for the whole family, look no further than Zoo City. Located to the north of Socrates' Spa Villa, Zoo City is home to six distinct zoos. Discover what zoos where like in the middle ages or for something more modern, visit our Celebrity Zoo, where clones of all your favourite celebrities are only too happy to smile for photos and autographs.”

“I'm starting to think this could actually be a lot of fun,” Google said happily.

Abe shot him a look so dirty it wouldn't even be allowed in a X-rated film.

“Oh, look over there,” Justice said, pointing to his right.

“Speaking of zoos,” said the voice from the monitor. “We're now approaching our galaxy-famous Aquatic Zoo. Home to sharks, whales, dolphins, turtles, and well, just about every aquatic creature you could hope to see – from the friendly to the deadly. But don't worry, they're all keep in place by an invisible barrier.”

“Check out the shark,” Google said as it approached the vessel. “Is that a white pointer?”

“Shark?” said Abe, his voice shaking.

“Relax, there's an invisible shield protecting us,” Google said as the shark brushed up against the submersible.

“Looks like the barriers are down,” Justice pointed out.

“You just had to keep talking didn't you,” Abe moaned.

#

“And that's why we should help out the lovable scoundrel Jupiter Black and the sexy but deadly Liberty Forall. Let's hear it for our crazy rebels who dare defy Mykur!” Harvard yelled to the applause of the crowd. “Come on people I can't hear you,” he added, cupping his ear. “Let's hear it for them.”

A bigger roar.

“Now just the boys in the crowd.”

A manly roar.

“I don't know – girls do you think you can do better?”

A higher-pitched roar.

“Oh no, look out boys, the girls are making us look bad. Let's try it again.”

A bass-laden roar filled the auditorium.

“Now everyone altogether!”

The biggest roar of the lot.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I rest my case,” he concluded as the worm went rocketing to the top.

“It's looking good,” Jupiter told Liberty as the applause gradually started to die down.

“Are you sure? He didn't even mention most of the reasons why they should help us.”

“I did tell you the system has some weaknesses.”

“Well, I don't care, as long as we win,” Liberty said with a bemused smile.

“Now please welcome the presenter for the negative, Wyatt Wilbur,” a booming voice cried out.

Wyatt Wilbur stepped forward to polite applause from a crowd already won over by Harvard.

“Like you I want to applaud Jupiter and Liberty,” he began. “Who wouldn't? We all hate Mykur right? Come on, let's boo him everybody. Booooooooo. Come on, join in,” Wyatt urged the crowd.

“Look at him, he's rattled. He's on the ropes,” Jupiter told Liberty.

“However I know something shocking. Something you don't know,” continued Wyatt. “I ask you all to turn your attention to the centre screen.”

The graphic of the worm was removed and the screen went black.

“What you are about to see and hear was recorded at the Southland entrance on our visitors arrival.”

The screen come to life with footage of Jupiter and Liberty just after they'd disembarked from the Blackbird. It began to play and the crowd gasped as they heard Liberty say, “Are you sure the Martians' hideout is here?”

“That's right people, you heard her correctly. She called us Martians! What we have here is an Earthling sympathiser,” bellowed Wyatt to the crowd as a chorus of angry booing broke out.

Harvard attempted to over-rule the footage but was drowned out by a dance remix featuring backing vocals of Liberty saying “Are you sure the Martians' hideout is here?” as Wyatt did a little jig up on his balcony.

The worm dived south as a chant of “Hang them!” began.

#

“Will you relax Abe, it's not as bad as you think,” said Google.

“Don't say anything! Don't say one more word,” yelled Abe.

“But it's not bad - if you'd just calm down. There's no way a shark could do any damage to a vessel this size,” continued Google.

“Oh, he just had to keep on talking didn't he,” Abe complained to Justice.

“We hope you enjoyed our Zoo of Aquatic Creatures. But, don't worry, the fun's not over yet. Thanks to the latest in genetic manipulation, we're pleased to now welcome you to the galaxy's first and only Zoo of Mythical Aquatic Creatures!”

Dramatic music filled the stingray.

“First up - the Kraken!”

“Wait here while I organise some accommodation for you two – trust me, you'll need your sleep before fronting the federation,” Belle said as she went running off towards an escalator.
Jupiter watched on as Liberty did a slow 360 turn, casually taking in the sights of the shopping centre that was Mars.
“Uh, where does everyone sleep around here?” she asked. “All I can see are shops.”
“Oh, everyone sleeps in Ikea,” Jupiter replied.
“Huh?”
“There's an elegant range of bedroom setups to choose from.”
“Everyone sleeps in Ikea?”
“Well not the same Ikea obviously – each state has its own Ikea superstore.”
“How many states are there?”
“Well, there's Northland, Southland, Eastland and Chadstone.”
“Chadstone?”
“Yeah, no one's quite sure why we called it that.”

Liberty glanced to her right at the large Ikea store.
“But what if you want some privacy? Say, if a couple wanted to be intimate.”
“Oh, then you could stay at Fantastic Furniture – it's less crowded.”
“So I can't have my own room?”
“Were you wanting to get intimate? Because I'm flattered and...”
“No! I just mean, what if you want privacy? You can't have any if there's a whole suburb sharing your bedroom.”
“It's just the way of the Malacandra.”
Belle arrived back, holding a couple of keys.
“Have you got all your stuff?”
“Yeah, let's go,” Liberty said, picking up her bags and heading towards the superstore.
“Where are you going?” asked Belle confused.
“Ikea – I need some sleep.”
Belle laughed and looked across at Jupiter.
He shrugged his shoulders, “The classics never get old.”
Belle turned to a confused Liberty.
“It's just an old joke for the tourists – all the shops on Mars are family run. Everyone has housing out the back of their store.”
Liberty glared across at Jupiter.
“Well, I did tell you not to trust him,” added Belle. “Now you can come with me, you're staying at my place. Jupiter, you're staying with Harvard's parents.”
“Who's Harvard?” Liberty asked.
“My husband.”

#

“Let's just take the red stingray submersible and get out of here. I'm boiling,” Abe said as he turned up the air conditioning on his jacket.
“That!? You can't take that!” Sunny laughed.
“Why not?”
“Are you, mad? You'd drown – it's full of holes!” he answered.
“But you said...”
“You're on a planet of practical jokers, remember. Here, take the blue one over there instead.”
“How do we know we can trust you, Sunny?” Justice asked.
“We've already had our fun at your expense. Why, to prove it, I'll even admit to you that my real name's not Sunny – I was just kidding around.”
“What's your name then?”
“It's Sunnie.”
Google and Justice looked over at each other confused.
"But that's what you said your name was."
"No, I said it was Sunny, not Sunnie."
Justice scratched his head.
“Let's just take the blue one and get the hell out of here,” Abe said, as he headed back towards The Love Crusader.

#

“You can sleep in here,” Belle told Liberty as she placed some covers on a bed in small spare room.
“Thanks – considering everything, you've been very kind.”
“Mykur needs to be stopped. My problems with Jupiter count for nothing in the big picture. But I'll get my money from him eventually, you can count on that.”
“Money?”
“He didn't tell you that part? What a surprise,” Belle said as she took a seat on the arm of a bedside chair. “Before he and Abe did a runner on me, we'd just located Uwe Boll's Oscar for best director.”
“I thought that was a myth.”
“So did everyone, but we found it. And it was going to be our biggest payday yet. Only Jupiter doesn't like to share. I woke up to find The Love Crusader gone and my portion of the reward credits with it. I kidded myself - kept thinking Jupiter would return the first couple of days. Surely my future husband wouldn't abandon me in the middle of nowhere. But he would and he did. All I had left were my clothes and the ship's distress beacon.”
“You're more forgiving than me. I would've hunted him down,” said Liberty.
Belle laughed.
“I'm not that forgiving. I was counting all the ways I could kill him when I set off the distress beacon,” she paused, smiling. “Thinking there might have been a crash and a potential civial lawsuit, lawyers were the first to respond to my signal. That's when I met Harvard and the need for revenge slowly faded.”

#

“Well, I think it honestly looks the goods,” said Justice as he gave the blue stingray submersible a once-over.
Abe rubbed his chin as he walked around the Love Crusader's cargo bay.
“How can we trust them though?”
“We need to trust someone Ape,” Google said, before catching Abe's glare. “Sorry, I meant Abe. It's just so confusing how close your name is compared to what you are.”
“Yes, I can see the problem Morongle. Oops, I meant Google. Sorry.”
Justice stepped in between the two of them.
“Google, why don't you head to the games room while Abe and I prepare for Atlantis.”
“But they don't even have a holo-deck on this thing,” he protested.
“Well try reading something in the library.”
Google sighed and made his way out of the room, leaving Justice and Abe to continue their preparations.

#

Liberty rose early the next morning, anxious about pleading their case to the federation. She marched into the kitchen to find Belle already awake.
“Hope you like eggs,” Belle said happily.
“Everything but horse eggs,” Liberty replied.
“Don't worry, I steer clear of all that genetically engineered muck, too.”
Liberty took her seat at the dinning table as Belle placed a plate down in front of her.
“Is that... Is that a 501?” Liberty asked as she stared across at a blaster hanging on the wall.
“Yeah, it's a beauty isn't it. They don't make them like that anymore.”
Liberty walked up to inspect it closer.
“Do you mind if I?”
“No, go for it,” Belle replied as Liberty un-hooked the pistol from the wall. “It's been deactivated of course. We don't have active blasters in the house anymore.”
“Why's that?”
“Harvard and I have three kids.”
“Three kids... so you're...”
“Soulmates, yes.”

Late in the 21st century, the company Soulmates Inc. was formed. For an expensive, one-off fee you and your partner could have your DNA and psychological make-up analysed to determine your compatibility. The process was proven to be incredibly accurate, with most couples lucky to get a compatibility above 50%.

Looking for ways to proudly declare their successful love match, some customers who scored a high number would purchase t-shirts declaring their result. However, eventually this wasn't enough for some couples who felt that their results should lead to greater rights. When a Soulmates Inc. commercial declared that no couple with a compatibility over 75% had ever divorced, these couples had their angle.

After a year of campaigning by some of Soulmate Inc.'s most elite customers, a law was passed whereby only couples with a match greater than 75% would be allowed to raise more than two children. After all, it was argued, who knew what damage was being done to children raised by incompatible parents. Marriages for couples that met the strict new guidelines were quickly nicknamed 'Golden Marriages'.

A rival group tried to highlight that the cost of using Soulmates Inc. made a Golden Marriage unachievable to the lower and middle class. However, politicians around the world ignored their pleas much to the confusion of the general public. Perhaps less confusing was that somehow every high level politician in the world miraculously had a soulmate compatibility of over 75% with not only their spouses, but also their lovers and office interns.

“Don't get me wrong – I think the Golden Marriage laws are horrible, but I always wanted a large family,” Belle told Liberty.
Liberty let out a smile.
“What?”
“Nothing - I think I just worked something out.”
“Well, I hope your luck continues – you're going to need it if you want to survive meeting the federation.”

#

Abe looked out the passenger seat window of the stingray, glancing across at Justice nervously.
“You sure about this?”
In response Justice pressed a button opening the cargo bay doors underneath the submersible – just a safety bar below keeping the vessel safely inside The Love Crusader. The roar of the outside wind invaded their ears. Down below the ocean planet of Atlantis was visible – fifty foot waves crashing violently to a rhythm all of their own.
Abe gulped as Google strapped himself into the back seat. Justice took one last look around the outside of the stingray.
“Trust me, there's nothing wrong with it – I think Sunnie was telling the truth about no more practical jokes,” he said as he jumped into the driver's seat.
Pbtpbtpbtpbtpbtpbtpbt
Justice gently lifted himself up to discover a now deflated whoopee cushion on the driver's seat.
““What was that noise?” Abe asked.
“Ah, I just farted. Sorry,” Justice replied, as he quickly shoved the whoopee cushion into his pocket. “Like I said, there's nothing to worry about...”

With the flick of a switch the safety bar slid away and the stingray plunged down towards the icy waters of Atlantis.

Jupiter paused for what felt like an eternity to him as he searched for the right words to say. Words that could somehow make Belle understand the reasons behind his decision all those years ago. Words that could lessen the pain it had caused them both. Finally it came to him.
“I like what you've done with your hair.”
If looks could kill, Belle's look could've committed genocide.
“That's all you have to say for yourself?”
Jupiter racked his brain again for the right answer.
“Uh, your boots go well with that outfit.”
“Reign in the stupid or I'll shoot you myself,” Liberty muttered.
“And who is this?” asked Belle. “If you're dating him you should be warned, he can't be trusted.”
“Oh, sorry, allow me to introduce you two. Liberty, Belle...,” Jupiter said, then laughed nervously. “Liberty Belle – like the famous bell.”
No one else laughed. Jupiter gulped and looked around the cavern wishing he could be anywhere else. Wishing he was with Abe heading to Atlantis.

#

“No, it is not fine. We're about to vaporised into dust! And I'm allergic to dust!” yelled Abe, shaking Sunny by his neon-lit Hawaiian shirt.
“Relax,” Sunny replied. “I've got it all sorted. I have a plan,” he added as he took a small, rectangular device out of his pocket. He flicked a switch and started to tap the device like someone testing a microphone. Abe started to take deep breaths in an attempt to avoid passing out.
“Ahem, hello fine people aboard the warship – we ask that you kindly turn away and leave us in peace.”
Laughter roared down onto the planet from above.
“And why should we do that?” snarled the ship's commander.
“Because in return, we will hand over to you the chosen one, Google Jones. I'm sure Mykur would love to have him.”
In a flash Justice had his gun aimed at Sunny.
“That's not going to happen.”
“Now, now, let's hear the man out,” said Abe.

#

Belle flicked her long, blonde hair back as she punched a code into another set of giant, solid steel doors. Slowly they opened revealing the underground world of the Malacandra.
“My god...,” Liberty said, hand to her mouth as it all came into view.
“You've never been inside Mars before? Jupiter never told you?” Belle asked.
“No – I never knew. It's... it's beautiful.”
Laid out before them, continuing for miles on end, was what appeared to be a gigantic shopping centre.

When the decision was first made that Mars would become the second planet to be settled by humans, a worldwide effort was called for. Each nation was asked to provide its brightest minds for the mission. Mars was to be the planet where humans would finally reach their full potential.

However, once on the planet, each nation placed pressure on their representatives to claim as much land as possible for their country. This didn't appeal to the new 'Martians' as the people of Earth called them. Instead of sticking along national lines, they became a unified group. They no longer identified themselves as Americans or Chinese or any other nationality – instead they were all simply the people of Mars. After all, the greatest minds theorised that the absence of nationalistic tendencies would result in less conflicts and war.

What they didn't realise was that it would be the beginning of a new divide – the beginning of worldistic tendencies. Put simply: Earthlings versus Martians. People on Earth felt the 'Martians' were arrogant and elitist, people on Mars thought the Earthlings ignorant and un-evolved. Eventually it came to a head in what has since been described as history's most brutal water fight.

You see, water on Mars had not only been discovered, it had been found to be the best tasting water in the galaxy. People of Earth felt they had an equal right to the water – after all, they told the Martians, 'We're the ones that sent you eggheads there in the first place'. People of Mars, who had now started to call themselves The Malacandra, responded with, 'We may be eggheads, but at least we're not meatheads'. Gradually the name calling got worse until The Malacandra could take no more. Feeling threatened, they told the people of Earth, 'You want your water so bad, here it comes'.

In short, they created a water bomb – giving Earth all the water it demanded in one instant. The result was destruction on a scale never before seen, with most of the planet flooded. Earthlings felt they had no choice but to retaliate and launched all their weapons on Mars. Unfortunately for The Malacandra, although they were made up of mankind's greatest thinkers, they weren't exactly the world's greatest military strategists. With no weapons to speak off, only a few hundred thousand survived the oncoming attack, hiding out underground.

Needing to rebuild their crumbled society, they looked at all the greatest civilisations and the times and circumstances where society had thrived. Finally they deduced that their chance greatest of prosperity would be to convert their world into a gigantic shopping centre.

It should also be noted that most of mankind's greatest thinkers happened to be female.

#

“We'll find some other way out of this. We've got out of worse,” said Justice.
“There is no way out of this one though, is there?” said Google quietly. “Either we all get blown up or I let them take me.” He took a deep breath and looked around the beachside city. “I'll go,” he said finally.
“But you don't need to...”
“Yes, I do. All that matters is that Mykur is defeated. Get to Atlantis; get the next part of the key. Hopefully I can stay alive long enough for you to save me.” He turned to Sunny. “Tell them I'm ready to go aboard their ship.”
“Google is ready to surrender,” said Sunny into his megaphone device.
Laughter roared down onto the planet again.
“So you have Google?” the ship's commander responded.
“Yes.”
“The Google Jones that Mykur wants dead?”
“Ah, yes.”
“The Google Jones that would be made dead when the planet he's on explodes?”
“Once again, yes. Now please send down a transporter ship and you can be on your way.”
More laughter from the ship above.
Sunny looked across at Abe with a smile.
“I think our optimistic approach to life here is having a good effect on them. They seem so much happier now. I told you this was going to work out fine.”
Abe turned his attention to Justice.
“Now can I shoot him?”
Before Justice could answer, 10,000 missles shot out from the ship, headed right for them.

#

Jupiter looked around, taking in the sights as the memories came flooding back. To the left was Herbert's Bakery where he'd eaten countless Herbie's sugar-free, fat-free, cholesterol-lowering jam donuts with added omegas 1-99, protein, fibre, iron and folateTM. To the right was the computer store that he and his friends would visit every weekend to get that week's latest computer and hand in their now outdated model.
“Over by that fountain is the town hall where the federation meets. I'll take you two there tomorrow to plead your case," Belle informed them.
Jupiter continued to scan the sights as Liberty squinted up ahead.
“Is that a communications centre?” she asked.
“Yep, you should be able to make contact with anyone in the universe from there.”
“Well, why don't I give you two a moment alone while I check up on Google and the others.”
Liberty wondered off into the distance, leaving Jupiter standing awkwardly with Belle.
“So... how have you been?” he asked.
“Very sexually satisfied, thank you.”
“Yes, I saw that you're married now. Congratulations.”
“For being married or the multiple orgasms he gives me daily?”
“Both, I guess.”
“Thanks.”
Belle paused, looked across at Jupiter and sighed.
“Look, perhaps I'm being childish. It's just – you hurt me. And for some reason it's important to me that you know, I'm doing great now. You didn't break me. After you left, I found my soulmate. So, I'm glad you did what you did. But that doesn't make me think well of you. So, you should know, I'm not ready to play nice just yet.”
“I'm just happy to see...,” but Jupiter never completed the sentence, because at that moment Liberty came racing over.
“What is it? What's going on? Are the others ok?” he asked.
“Oh no idea, the com centre was shut - but they're selling Gucci Blasters here at up to 60% off!”

#

Abe could only watch on as the missiles sailed down towards them like missiles sailing down towards a planet in a war simulation videogame. Then, just before they broke into the planet's atmosphere, the missile's swung around and went flying back at warship, like missiles in a war simulation videogame that had a strange glitch or cheat code. The ship never stood a chance, exploding into a billion pieces on impact. On the planet's surface, people cheered as if watching an impressive fireworks display.

Abe turned to Sunny in shock.
“How... How'd that happen?”
“That my friend is the power of positive thinking – and the latest state-of-the-art LG missile override system.”
“Why didn't you say something!? I almost died of a heart attack!”
“I know it was great! You should have seen all your faces! We got you good! Best. Joke. Ever.”
Everyone within earshot started to laugh and point at Abe and the gang. Abe reached for his blaster, but Justice held his arm back.
“You know for a planet of optimists, you sure are jerks!”
Sunny finally recovered from his laughing to reply, “Optimists? Haven't you worked it out yet? We're not optimists!”
“But wait, isn't this...,” Justice took out his map and pointed at the planet :-).
Sunny laughed again.
“No, no, no. That's the neighbouring planet. I was going to tell you before, but it was too much fun playing along. We're here,” he said pointing down at another planet on the map.

A planet founded by practical jokers. A planet named :-p.