Creepy Lamingtons
A tale of horror by me! Henry Wiggleton the second
This is my report on what I got up to in the school holidays. I hope you enjoy it Miss Tiller because you're my second favouritest teacher ever. (My favouritest is Mr Smith, my teacher before you – he used to give us lollies if we got our times tables right.) But you're cool too. I like it when you yell at our class to be quiet – you go so red in the face you look like a cartoon character! I like cartoons. My brother doesn't. He thinks they're for kids. But you shouldn't listen to him, why just the other day he said I is ugly and then I said na uh and he said ya huh and we started fighting and we went to mum to ask her and she just sighed and said we were equally ugly because we is her beautiful twins. Anyway, none of this story would've happened if it wasn't for my brother and Miss Vonka's Sweets Store.
Have you ever been to her store Miss Tiller? She has the best lollies, just like Willy Wonka in that book. Maybe Mr Dahl based his book on her. She's crazy old and has hairs coming out of her face like a man would. It's like her face don't know she's a lady. On the first day of the school holidays we headed down there to get some treats. I like the Blasters - they taste awesome and make your breath smell terrible. My mum says it makes my breath smell worse than a fish milkshake on a warm day! It's great! So I was in the store buying some when I noticed one dessert that wasn't selling very well. The label in front of it said they were Creepy Lamingtons.
Later that day I asked my brother why they was called creepy because I think people would more like uncreepy lamingtons. Now this next bit is a bit scary, I should warn you. He tells me that the lamingtons don't contain jam, they contain blood! Children's blood!!! I didn't believe him cos why would someone want children's blood in a yummy dessert. He says it's cos they don't know! He says nobody likes to talk about it but every year a child goes missing in our neighbourhood. "Where do they go?" asks me.
"Into her lamingtons! She's a serial murderest! She drains their blood and puts it in her lamingtons to hide the evidence," my brother says to me. At this point I said a rude word (but not the f word, just the s one). And that's not even the worst bit!
He says when we was in the store she was loooking at me like I was an ingredient! He says she'll be after me now. "Why me?" I asked and he replied it's cos she can tell I play with dolls like a girl. And it is true Miss Tiller, I do sometimes play with dolls – but I'm not a girl, I'm not! I just like using my imagination to create stories for them. At this point I figure we better go to my mum or the police. But my brother says we can't because we've got no evidence. Did you know they put you in jail if you go the police with no evidence? Lucky my brother told me! So I decides I best get some.
All school holidays I racked my brains to find out how to prove Miss Vonka is a killer. That's right! I decided to become a detective just like Scooby Doo and Batman! In the end I realised the best plan was to trick her into admitting she puts kids into lamingtons and to secretly record her confession.
One afternoon I got up all my guts and marched straight to that store, carrying a secret tape recorder in my backpack. "Can I help zu?" Miss Vonka says to me in her weird accent when I enter the store.
"Yes please," I tell her. "I'm feeling hungry. I'd love something with some blood in it please." She then does this weird laugh that sort of sounds like a car starting on a cold day.
"Zu a wittle vumpire are zu?"
"Yes."
"Vat is your name wittle vumpire?"
I tell her I'm Henry Wiggleton the second. "So, your farter is Hunry Wiggleton the thirst?" I then laugh cos it sounded like she said farter. When it stops being funny, I tell her my brother is Henry the first. She seems confused so I explain how my mum and dad had agreed to call me Henry when my mum was pregnant. Only my dad died before I was born and my mum didn't know she was having twins and didn't want to break her promise so she named us both Henry.
This made Miss Vonka smile. Turns out she has a twin as well! She then looks out the window and asks, "Vell Hunry two, where is Hunry von?"
"He's waiting for me at the park."
She looks at me funny and says, "Zu two should not be out alone tis late at night – something bad could happen to zu." I get up to go, but she puts her wrinkly hand on my arm. I almost scream but thankfully she just smiles at me. "I give zu have some goodies for free as vell as your usual Blasters. I don't ave any blood-filled lollies, but I can give zu some of these." She walks over and puts some Creepy Lamingtons into a paper bag. I gulp. She hands them to me and says, "Zu vill like this, these my Creamy Lamingtons."
"Creamy Lamingtons?" I ask.
"Yes, they ave a special cream filling. Is to die for."
I look over again at the sign and realise she just has bad handwriting. Happily I took the lamingtons thinking how silly I'd been for listening to my brother. On the way back to the park I ate some and they tasted delicious. Not in the least bit creepy. But the walk to the park did get creepy because I had this weird feeling I was being followed. Then when I got to the park my brother was goned! By now it was dark so I started getting worried. That was when I discovered a message written in the sandpit.
The message said: Come get me Henry. I'm at 22 Rellik Road. So I think, that's odd. But the note had nice handwriting so I figure it's probably all ok and go along to the address. When I get there, the door to the house is open and all the lights are off. I walk in calling out, "Henry! Henry! What you doing in this creepy house Henry?" Then I hear him screaming from downstairs so I head down to the basement. And you wouldn't believe what I saw down there!
Well, you would of course Miss Tiller – after all it was your house. But maybe you don't remember cos you hit your head pretty hard later on. So when I gots down there I found you had your own private classroom. And in the seats where all these dolls – only they wasn't really dolls were they Miss Tiller. They was dead kids! But they looked like dolls cos you'd had them stuffed, so I wasn't scared. But my brother was crying in the corner and had peed his pants. I thought that was pretty funny. I keep telling my mum that but she disagrees. She doesn't always get jokes.
But there he was in the corner going, "She's crazy. She's going to kill us." But I was too busy being amazed by the way you'd placed the kids in their seats. You even had one of them arranged so he was putting his hand up to ask a question. "Look out, she's behind you!" yelled out my brother.
And then you came up from behind me and yelled, "No talking in class! No talking in class! In here everybody behaves! Everybody! I'll make you behave Henrys!" And you was just like a cartoon with your red face! It was great! So I said, "Don't be angry. Please may we leave Miss Tiller."
But you was all, "Where is your manners dirty boy?"
And I said, "I did say please but you wasn't listening to me." And it's true I did say please Miss Tiller! I got good manners.
But you was mad and pulled out a knife and said you was going to make me into one of your dolls, which I think is more bad manners than not saying please. I was going to make you my third favouritest teacher at that point, but then I remembered Mr Thompson smells horrible. Thinking about Mr Thompson's stinkiness reminded me I had Blasters in my bag of sweets. I shoved them all in my mouth and breathed as hard I could on your face. You should've seen your face then Miss Tiller – it was all twisted up in disgust and you stumbed back from me. That was when Miss Vonka appeared from the shadows by the stairs and whacked you on the head with my backpack. It made a really cool noise, I think because of the heavy tape recorder inside it. "Zu left your bag at my store my wittle vumpire friend," Miss Vonka said as she gasped for breath. Turns out she'd been following me to return it!
So that was what I got up to in my school break. I know you set us this assignment as holiday work, so I made sure to do it even though you're not my teacher anymore. My brother thinks I'm silly but mum promised to send it to prison for you. I hope you liked it.
Your friend,
Henry Wiggleton the second.
PS. I've also included some creamy lamingtons. Enjoy!
