INTO THE BLACK

“A legendary sea creature of gargantuan size, the Kraken has made appearances in many famous fictional works,” the voice from the stingray's monitor informed the ship's occupants as Abe glanced out the cockpit window nervously.

“Perhaps one of the most celebrated appearances by the fearsome sea monster is in the poem The Kraken by Tennyson:

Below the thunders of the under deep,

Far far beneath in the abysmal sea,

His ancient, dreamless, uninvaded sleep

The Kraken sleepeth: faintest sunlights flee

Sounds scary – but don't worry, you're safe behind the barrier,” continued the chirpy voice.

“I can't see any sign of it,” said Justice as he scanned the ocean.

“The barrier?” asked Abe.

“No, the Kraken. If it's so massive, why can't we see it?”

“I've got a theory,” said Google.

“They made it invisible, didn't they? When will they ever learn!?” moaned Abe.

“No, I think we're going to be ok – I think maybe it's died off. A lot of genetically-engineered creatures have short life spans,” Google continued.

“Nice to see you were paying attention in our science classes,” said Justice.

“We hope you enjoyed the Kraken. But, the fun hasn't ended just yet. If you look to your right, you'll be among the first to discover the mysterious Loch Ness Monster,” instructed the voice from the monitor. “Nicknamed Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster is a debated, mythical creature said to inhabit what once was Loch Ness in the Scottish highlands. Fun fact! Nessie was commonly speculated to be from a line of long-surviving plesiosaurs.”

“Fun Fact: Is it a meat eater or vegetarian?” Abe spoke back to the monitor.

“Plesiosaurs were carnivores,” Justice answered.

“Oh great!”

“Well it looks like it's another carnivore that has died off,” said Google.

“Um, guys, what if these sea creatures didn't have short life-spans... what if they were eaten by something bigger?” Abe asked as a giant shadow passed over the cockpit window.

#

“Well that could have gone better,” said Harvard as the chant of 'Hang them' finally started to die down.

“So what now?” asked Liberty. “They won't really hang us will they.”

“No, we don't allow capital punishment on Mars, but if you're still here when Mykur's kill order is passed you won't last long. But not to worry, Belle and I have worked out an escape plan.”

As he finished his sentence green lights started flashing around the chamber as a shrill siren violated the air.

“Is that part of the plan?” asked Liberty.

“No. No, that's... that's worrying,” Harvard said before racing back to his balcony.

“What's going on!?” Liberty asked Jupiter.

“Clearance sale,” he replied.

“If you think you can make it to the south side exit in the next ten minutes to evacuate, please do so. Everyone else, gather your family and friends and head to the bunker under Mr Softy's Ice Creamery. We're under attack,” Harvard said into the microphone. Liberty glared across at Jupiter.

“Oh, wait, that's right... The red alarm is for clearance sales.”

#

“The Megalodon were giant sharks that lived around ten to fifteen million years ago during the late neogene period. Some believe these ancient creatures could grow up to 100 feet long and mainly dined on whales. Fun fact: Megalodon means big tooth in Greek,” informed the voice on the monitor happily.

“Oh great, a dinosaur shark. How the hell do we kill that?” asked Abe.

“Meteorite?” suggested Google.

A loud screeching noise filled the air as oversized teeth sliced their way into the submersible. With violent force the stingray was tossed around around like a rubber duck floating in a bathtub when a fat person hops in.

“Quick! We need to force the teeth loose. The 'ray can't take much more of this. We're getting tossed around like a rubber duck in a bathtub when a fat person hops in,” yelled Justice.

Abe started punching one of the teeth with his fist as hard as he could.

“Owwww!”

“What?”

“It's very sharp!” he yelled back as he looked down at his now bloodied fist.

“New plan,” said Justice as he unbuckled his seatbelt and pulled out his blaster. “Let's see how it likes having its teeth drilled.”

Taking aim at the tooth closest to him, Justice gave it the full brunt of the laser until it turned bright red and start to crack. With a violent jerk, the metal groaned as the teeth came free from the roof.

“Well, that's one problem solved,” Justice said calmly as water started to flood in at an alarming rate through the holes now left in the submersible.

“Arrgggghhhhh,” screamed Abe. The others turned to face him.

“What is it now!?

“The water's really, really cold,” Abe said sheepishly.

#

Belle came running down the steps of the auditorium, pushing her way through the panicked crowd heading in the opposite direction. As she arrived she tossed two blasters to Jupiter and Liberty.

“I snuck these in. Had a feeling you might need them.”

“What's the situation?” Liberty asked as she examined her blaster.

“Looks like the kill order was rushed through. Feel like taking on an army?”

“Always up for a challenge. How big's the army?” Liberty asked.

“Small - by army standards. It won't be long before someone spills that you're here. We need to get you off this planet ASAP. I'm guessing they've got armies scouting for you everywhere.”

“It's always nice to feel wanted,” muttered Jupiter.

“So what's the plan? SurfWorld exit? Sneak them off on the The Love Bug?” asked Harvard.

“Exactly. I'll get the twins and Billy from your parents. You take Jupiter and Liberty to the fountain. I'll meet you there. Don't stop for anything – if they start to shut down the city, there's no way past the barriers,” Belle said before giving Harvard a kiss. “I love you,” she added before turning and running back up the auditorium stairs.

“Quick, follow me. I know a short cut,” Harvard said as he slidback part of the floor revealing a secret entrance.

#

“Look there's a seaport to the right. Head there!” Abe yelled to Justice over the sound of water rushing in and smoke coming from the sub's damaged roof.

“I can't! Atlantis's computers are still overriding our system,” he replied as a burst of sparks exploded above them.

“What was that?” asked Google.

“The override system?” asked Abe full of hope.

“Afraid not. We're going to get fried or drown if we stay here,” Jupiter said.

Google looked around the ship for solutions.

“What do you suggest?” he asked.

“We need to swim for it. We should be able to fit through one of the holes.”

“That thing out there bit a hole big enough for us to swim through and you want to go out there!” exclaimed Abe.

“It's that or drown in here. Your choice.”

“I really, really hate Atlantis.”

#

Harvard led Liberty and Jupiter back up onto the street as alarms continued to sound.

“Some of my ancestors helped design the original Southland – thanks to them I know a few handy secrets,” he explained. “Now if we just wait here, Belle should...,” Without warning he pulled out his blaster, pointing it directly at Jupiter's head.

“Duck!” Liberty and Harvard shouted together.

Jupiter did as told. Blasts fired out, putting pay to two soldiers dressed in black fifty feet ahead.

“Nice shooting. You got the one on the right,” Harvard said.

“Like hell! I got them both,” Liberty replied with a smile. “You aim a little high. But not bad.”

Jupiter casually picked himself up from the ground. Harvard spied the dead soldiers nervously.

“If they've made it inside. Belle...”

“Relax, here she comes,” Jupiter said, pointing at Belle approaching them from behind. She was running as fast as she could while carrying a couple of five year old girls.

“Belle!” Harvard yelled and went running off to greet her and the kids.

THWACK!

Without warning grated barriers came smashing down in front of Liberty and Jupiter, separating them from the others and the rest of Southland.

“Oh great! They've shutting down the city. Now what?”

But Jupiter didn't answer. Instead he just stood staring blankly ahead through the barrier as Harvard hugged his girls; Jupiter's face going whiter than a blizzard.

“What's the matter?” Liberty asked.

“Those girls... they're about five years old, right?”

“So?”

“I left Belle less than five years ago.”

Jupiter and Liberty stood at the front of what appeared to be a typical courtroom. However, instead of a judge's seat there was a large screen display. To either side of the display were two balconies and behind Liberty and Jupiter, audience seating ascended five stories high in a semi-circular arc. So, on second thought, it didn't look much like a typical courtroom at all.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Jupiter asked.

“No reason,” Liberty said with a sly grin.

“Did you poisoned me?”

“Will you just relax already,” she replied. “How does this Federation thing work anyway?”

“Our lawyer will come out on the left balcony and plead our case, while another lawyer will argue against us on the right balcony.”

“And then the judge decides?”

“No – we got rid of judges centuries ago in favour of a more democratic process. The worm decides.”

“Some sort of genetically-engineered smart worm?”

Jupiter laughed.

“No, everyone in the audience has a dial. As the lawyers make their arguments, the audience move the dial according to which side is winning in their view. On screen the audience's overall opinion is represented by a line that swings up and down according to the whims of the crowd. We call the line, the worm. Then, at the end of the arguments, if the worm is more up than down, we win.”

Liberty thought it over as people started filing into the seats behind them. Eventually the auditorium filled and conversation started to hush in anticipation of the lawyers arrival. Liberty examined the crowd.

“The Federation is a strange mix of people.”

“Oh they're just a random selection of Malacandrians – no one can know for sure who the Federation will consist of on any given day. Less chance of bribery this way.”

“Well, I guess it makes sense – also with this system the results should be less influenced by one person's bias. I wonder why more planets haven't adopted the system.”

“Well, it does have some drawbacks,” Jupiter replied.

Before he could explain those drawbacks, the lights went out and music filled the auditorium as a booming voice cried out, “Please welcome the representative for the negative team, Wyatt Wilbur.” A spotlight focused in on the right balcony as Wyatt entered, waving happily to the crowd. The Federation clapped his entrance enthusiastically. Then, the spotlight swung around to the balcony on the left.

“And, keep the applause going for the representative for the affirmative team, Harvard Black.”

#

“Arrrrrrggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” Abe screamed as the stingray splashed down into the ocean, bobbling a couple of times on the water's surface before sinking under. Down below the wild waves, Atlantis suddenly seemed calm, peaceful.

“Are we dead yet?” asked Abe.

“Open your eyes,” Justice said gently.

Abe opened one eye and set sight on the underwater city.
“Whoa.”

The capital city sparkled in the distance, hundreds of miles away. One of the most expensive terraforming operations ever attempted, Atlantis was to be the galaxy's biggest, most over the top casino. Despite costing over 12 billion trillion gatesian trillion billion million credits – the owners of the casino expected to turn a profit on their opening night where they invited the galaxy's richest and most famous people. Unfortunately for them, in what was assumed at the time to be some sort of computer glitch, almost all of the machines paid out jackpots nonstop. Like the fabled island itself, the company behind Atlantis sunk without a trace in a single day and night of misfortune.

“Head up a bit, I want to be closer to the surface in case this thing starts to leak,” Abe instructed Justice.

Justice gripped the controls then looked across at Abe nervously.

“It's not responding. We're sinking.”

#

“Why do I just keep getting deeper and deeper in trouble when you're around?” Liberty asked as she turned her attention to Harvard Black, who looked more movie star than lawyer.

“Relax, this is probably the best thing that could happen. Everyone knows my history with Belle, the fact that Harvard is representing us suggests our cause is worthy of everyone's support no matter what they think of us. Plus, he's actually a good guy,” Jupiter yelled to Liberty over the crowds cheering.

“Is he your brother?”

“No, Black is a pretty common surname.”

The balconies that the two lawyers stood on slowly descended and Harvard made his way over to Jupiter and Liberty.

“Anything I should know before I get back up there to present our case?” Harvard asked.

“Just that the outcome could determine the fate of the entire universe. If you can delay the kill order, we could save the galaxy from Mykur,” Liberty replied.

“Oh good, no pressure then,” Harvard laughed. “Jupiter anything you want to add? Perhaps that assassins will shoot me dead if I say the word 'um'?”

Jupiter shook his head.

“Well, wish me luck,” Harvard said with a smile as he returned to the balcony, which rose back up into the air with him on-board. The crowd grew as silent as mute mimes as they awaited his speech.

“Federation, I stand before you now to implore you to... Federation, I beg that you... I'm sorry, I've lost my train of thought,” Harvard said as he put his hand to his head as if unable to go on.

“Deeper and deeper,” muttered Liberty.

“I'm sorry, I'm just a little distracted today,” Harvard told the crowd. “I just can't remember ever seeing the Federation look as attractive as they do today! You're all so damn good looking!”

The crowd went ballastic as the worm shot up in favor of Jupiter and Liberty.

#

“Argh,” Justice said under his breath.

“Arrgghhhhh,” gasped Google.

“Arrrrgggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,” screamed Abe.

“Welcome to Atlantis,” said a voice from the Stingray's cockpit monitor. “Sit back, enjoy the tour and leave the driving to us.”

“Huh?” said Abe.

Justice laughed.

“It's an override system. It's must've taken control of the 'ray. It's going to lead us straight to the casino.”

“There are hundreds of things to see and do during your stay at Atlantis,” the monitor continued as it displayed corresponding images on-screen. “Feeling lucky? Why not try your hand at some high stakes poker in Plato's Poker Pit. Or, if relaxation is more your game, book some time with Henri Merk, the universe's most famous masseuse. Thanks to four successful arm transplants, his six hands will work wonders on your tired and aching muscles. However, if you're looking for entertainment for the whole family, look no further than Zoo City. Located to the north of Socrates' Spa Villa, Zoo City is home to six distinct zoos. Discover what zoos where like in the middle ages or for something more modern, visit our Celebrity Zoo, where clones of all your favourite celebrities are only too happy to smile for photos and autographs.”

“I'm starting to think this could actually be a lot of fun,” Google said happily.

Abe shot him a look so dirty it wouldn't even be allowed in a X-rated film.

“Oh, look over there,” Justice said, pointing to his right.

“Speaking of zoos,” said the voice from the monitor. “We're now approaching our galaxy-famous Aquatic Zoo. Home to sharks, whales, dolphins, turtles, and well, just about every aquatic creature you could hope to see – from the friendly to the deadly. But don't worry, they're all keep in place by an invisible barrier.”

“Check out the shark,” Google said as it approached the vessel. “Is that a white pointer?”

“Shark?” said Abe, his voice shaking.

“Relax, there's an invisible shield protecting us,” Google said as the shark brushed up against the submersible.

“Looks like the barriers are down,” Justice pointed out.

“You just had to keep talking didn't you,” Abe moaned.

#

“And that's why we should help out the lovable scoundrel Jupiter Black and the sexy but deadly Liberty Forall. Let's hear it for our crazy rebels who dare defy Mykur!” Harvard yelled to the applause of the crowd. “Come on people I can't hear you,” he added, cupping his ear. “Let's hear it for them.”

A bigger roar.

“Now just the boys in the crowd.”

A manly roar.

“I don't know – girls do you think you can do better?”

A higher-pitched roar.

“Oh no, look out boys, the girls are making us look bad. Let's try it again.”

A bass-laden roar filled the auditorium.

“Now everyone altogether!”

The biggest roar of the lot.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I rest my case,” he concluded as the worm went rocketing to the top.

“It's looking good,” Jupiter told Liberty as the applause gradually started to die down.

“Are you sure? He didn't even mention most of the reasons why they should help us.”

“I did tell you the system has some weaknesses.”

“Well, I don't care, as long as we win,” Liberty said with a bemused smile.

“Now please welcome the presenter for the negative, Wyatt Wilbur,” a booming voice cried out.

Wyatt Wilbur stepped forward to polite applause from a crowd already won over by Harvard.

“Like you I want to applaud Jupiter and Liberty,” he began. “Who wouldn't? We all hate Mykur right? Come on, let's boo him everybody. Booooooooo. Come on, join in,” Wyatt urged the crowd.

“Look at him, he's rattled. He's on the ropes,” Jupiter told Liberty.

“However I know something shocking. Something you don't know,” continued Wyatt. “I ask you all to turn your attention to the centre screen.”

The graphic of the worm was removed and the screen went black.

“What you are about to see and hear was recorded at the Southland entrance on our visitors arrival.”

The screen come to life with footage of Jupiter and Liberty just after they'd disembarked from the Blackbird. It began to play and the crowd gasped as they heard Liberty say, “Are you sure the Martians' hideout is here?”

“That's right people, you heard her correctly. She called us Martians! What we have here is an Earthling sympathiser,” bellowed Wyatt to the crowd as a chorus of angry booing broke out.

Harvard attempted to over-rule the footage but was drowned out by a dance remix featuring backing vocals of Liberty saying “Are you sure the Martians' hideout is here?” as Wyatt did a little jig up on his balcony.

The worm dived south as a chant of “Hang them!” began.

#

“Will you relax Abe, it's not as bad as you think,” said Google.

“Don't say anything! Don't say one more word,” yelled Abe.

“But it's not bad - if you'd just calm down. There's no way a shark could do any damage to a vessel this size,” continued Google.

“Oh, he just had to keep on talking didn't he,” Abe complained to Justice.

“We hope you enjoyed our Zoo of Aquatic Creatures. But, don't worry, the fun's not over yet. Thanks to the latest in genetic manipulation, we're pleased to now welcome you to the galaxy's first and only Zoo of Mythical Aquatic Creatures!”

Dramatic music filled the stingray.

“First up - the Kraken!”

“Wait here while I organise some accommodation for you two – trust me, you'll need your sleep before fronting the federation,” Belle said as she went running off towards an escalator.
Jupiter watched on as Liberty did a slow 360 turn, casually taking in the sights of the shopping centre that was Mars.
“Uh, where does everyone sleep around here?” she asked. “All I can see are shops.”
“Oh, everyone sleeps in Ikea,” Jupiter replied.
“Huh?”
“There's an elegant range of bedroom setups to choose from.”
“Everyone sleeps in Ikea?”
“Well not the same Ikea obviously – each state has its own Ikea superstore.”
“How many states are there?”
“Well, there's Northland, Southland, Eastland and Chadstone.”
“Chadstone?”
“Yeah, no one's quite sure why we called it that.”

Liberty glanced to her right at the large Ikea store.
“But what if you want some privacy? Say, if a couple wanted to be intimate.”
“Oh, then you could stay at Fantastic Furniture – it's less crowded.”
“So I can't have my own room?”
“Were you wanting to get intimate? Because I'm flattered and...”
“No! I just mean, what if you want privacy? You can't have any if there's a whole suburb sharing your bedroom.”
“It's just the way of the Malacandra.”
Belle arrived back, holding a couple of keys.
“Have you got all your stuff?”
“Yeah, let's go,” Liberty said, picking up her bags and heading towards the superstore.
“Where are you going?” asked Belle confused.
“Ikea – I need some sleep.”
Belle laughed and looked across at Jupiter.
He shrugged his shoulders, “The classics never get old.”
Belle turned to a confused Liberty.
“It's just an old joke for the tourists – all the shops on Mars are family run. Everyone has housing out the back of their store.”
Liberty glared across at Jupiter.
“Well, I did tell you not to trust him,” added Belle. “Now you can come with me, you're staying at my place. Jupiter, you're staying with Harvard's parents.”
“Who's Harvard?” Liberty asked.
“My husband.”

#

“Let's just take the red stingray submersible and get out of here. I'm boiling,” Abe said as he turned up the air conditioning on his jacket.
“That!? You can't take that!” Sunny laughed.
“Why not?”
“Are you, mad? You'd drown – it's full of holes!” he answered.
“But you said...”
“You're on a planet of practical jokers, remember. Here, take the blue one over there instead.”
“How do we know we can trust you, Sunny?” Justice asked.
“We've already had our fun at your expense. Why, to prove it, I'll even admit to you that my real name's not Sunny – I was just kidding around.”
“What's your name then?”
“It's Sunnie.”
Google and Justice looked over at each other confused.
"But that's what you said your name was."
"No, I said it was Sunny, not Sunnie."
Justice scratched his head.
“Let's just take the blue one and get the hell out of here,” Abe said, as he headed back towards The Love Crusader.

#

“You can sleep in here,” Belle told Liberty as she placed some covers on a bed in small spare room.
“Thanks – considering everything, you've been very kind.”
“Mykur needs to be stopped. My problems with Jupiter count for nothing in the big picture. But I'll get my money from him eventually, you can count on that.”
“Money?”
“He didn't tell you that part? What a surprise,” Belle said as she took a seat on the arm of a bedside chair. “Before he and Abe did a runner on me, we'd just located Uwe Boll's Oscar for best director.”
“I thought that was a myth.”
“So did everyone, but we found it. And it was going to be our biggest payday yet. Only Jupiter doesn't like to share. I woke up to find The Love Crusader gone and my portion of the reward credits with it. I kidded myself - kept thinking Jupiter would return the first couple of days. Surely my future husband wouldn't abandon me in the middle of nowhere. But he would and he did. All I had left were my clothes and the ship's distress beacon.”
“You're more forgiving than me. I would've hunted him down,” said Liberty.
Belle laughed.
“I'm not that forgiving. I was counting all the ways I could kill him when I set off the distress beacon,” she paused, smiling. “Thinking there might have been a crash and a potential civial lawsuit, lawyers were the first to respond to my signal. That's when I met Harvard and the need for revenge slowly faded.”

#

“Well, I think it honestly looks the goods,” said Justice as he gave the blue stingray submersible a once-over.
Abe rubbed his chin as he walked around the Love Crusader's cargo bay.
“How can we trust them though?”
“We need to trust someone Ape,” Google said, before catching Abe's glare. “Sorry, I meant Abe. It's just so confusing how close your name is compared to what you are.”
“Yes, I can see the problem Morongle. Oops, I meant Google. Sorry.”
Justice stepped in between the two of them.
“Google, why don't you head to the games room while Abe and I prepare for Atlantis.”
“But they don't even have a holo-deck on this thing,” he protested.
“Well try reading something in the library.”
Google sighed and made his way out of the room, leaving Justice and Abe to continue their preparations.

#

Liberty rose early the next morning, anxious about pleading their case to the federation. She marched into the kitchen to find Belle already awake.
“Hope you like eggs,” Belle said happily.
“Everything but horse eggs,” Liberty replied.
“Don't worry, I steer clear of all that genetically engineered muck, too.”
Liberty took her seat at the dinning table as Belle placed a plate down in front of her.
“Is that... Is that a 501?” Liberty asked as she stared across at a blaster hanging on the wall.
“Yeah, it's a beauty isn't it. They don't make them like that anymore.”
Liberty walked up to inspect it closer.
“Do you mind if I?”
“No, go for it,” Belle replied as Liberty un-hooked the pistol from the wall. “It's been deactivated of course. We don't have active blasters in the house anymore.”
“Why's that?”
“Harvard and I have three kids.”
“Three kids... so you're...”
“Soulmates, yes.”

Late in the 21st century, the company Soulmates Inc. was formed. For an expensive, one-off fee you and your partner could have your DNA and psychological make-up analysed to determine your compatibility. The process was proven to be incredibly accurate, with most couples lucky to get a compatibility above 50%.

Looking for ways to proudly declare their successful love match, some customers who scored a high number would purchase t-shirts declaring their result. However, eventually this wasn't enough for some couples who felt that their results should lead to greater rights. When a Soulmates Inc. commercial declared that no couple with a compatibility over 75% had ever divorced, these couples had their angle.

After a year of campaigning by some of Soulmate Inc.'s most elite customers, a law was passed whereby only couples with a match greater than 75% would be allowed to raise more than two children. After all, it was argued, who knew what damage was being done to children raised by incompatible parents. Marriages for couples that met the strict new guidelines were quickly nicknamed 'Golden Marriages'.

A rival group tried to highlight that the cost of using Soulmates Inc. made a Golden Marriage unachievable to the lower and middle class. However, politicians around the world ignored their pleas much to the confusion of the general public. Perhaps less confusing was that somehow every high level politician in the world miraculously had a soulmate compatibility of over 75% with not only their spouses, but also their lovers and office interns.

“Don't get me wrong – I think the Golden Marriage laws are horrible, but I always wanted a large family,” Belle told Liberty.
Liberty let out a smile.
“What?”
“Nothing - I think I just worked something out.”
“Well, I hope your luck continues – you're going to need it if you want to survive meeting the federation.”

#

Abe looked out the passenger seat window of the stingray, glancing across at Justice nervously.
“You sure about this?”
In response Justice pressed a button opening the cargo bay doors underneath the submersible – just a safety bar below keeping the vessel safely inside The Love Crusader. The roar of the outside wind invaded their ears. Down below the ocean planet of Atlantis was visible – fifty foot waves crashing violently to a rhythm all of their own.
Abe gulped as Google strapped himself into the back seat. Justice took one last look around the outside of the stingray.
“Trust me, there's nothing wrong with it – I think Sunnie was telling the truth about no more practical jokes,” he said as he jumped into the driver's seat.
Pbtpbtpbtpbtpbtpbtpbt
Justice gently lifted himself up to discover a now deflated whoopee cushion on the driver's seat.
““What was that noise?” Abe asked.
“Ah, I just farted. Sorry,” Justice replied, as he quickly shoved the whoopee cushion into his pocket. “Like I said, there's nothing to worry about...”

With the flick of a switch the safety bar slid away and the stingray plunged down towards the icy waters of Atlantis.

Jupiter paused for what felt like an eternity to him as he searched for the right words to say. Words that could somehow make Belle understand the reasons behind his decision all those years ago. Words that could lessen the pain it had caused them both. Finally it came to him.
“I like what you've done with your hair.”
If looks could kill, Belle's look could've committed genocide.
“That's all you have to say for yourself?”
Jupiter racked his brain again for the right answer.
“Uh, your boots go well with that outfit.”
“Reign in the stupid or I'll shoot you myself,” Liberty muttered.
“And who is this?” asked Belle. “If you're dating him you should be warned, he can't be trusted.”
“Oh, sorry, allow me to introduce you two. Liberty, Belle...,” Jupiter said, then laughed nervously. “Liberty Belle – like the famous bell.”
No one else laughed. Jupiter gulped and looked around the cavern wishing he could be anywhere else. Wishing he was with Abe heading to Atlantis.

#

“No, it is not fine. We're about to vaporised into dust! And I'm allergic to dust!” yelled Abe, shaking Sunny by his neon-lit Hawaiian shirt.
“Relax,” Sunny replied. “I've got it all sorted. I have a plan,” he added as he took a small, rectangular device out of his pocket. He flicked a switch and started to tap the device like someone testing a microphone. Abe started to take deep breaths in an attempt to avoid passing out.
“Ahem, hello fine people aboard the warship – we ask that you kindly turn away and leave us in peace.”
Laughter roared down onto the planet from above.
“And why should we do that?” snarled the ship's commander.
“Because in return, we will hand over to you the chosen one, Google Jones. I'm sure Mykur would love to have him.”
In a flash Justice had his gun aimed at Sunny.
“That's not going to happen.”
“Now, now, let's hear the man out,” said Abe.

#

Belle flicked her long, blonde hair back as she punched a code into another set of giant, solid steel doors. Slowly they opened revealing the underground world of the Malacandra.
“My god...,” Liberty said, hand to her mouth as it all came into view.
“You've never been inside Mars before? Jupiter never told you?” Belle asked.
“No – I never knew. It's... it's beautiful.”
Laid out before them, continuing for miles on end, was what appeared to be a gigantic shopping centre.

When the decision was first made that Mars would become the second planet to be settled by humans, a worldwide effort was called for. Each nation was asked to provide its brightest minds for the mission. Mars was to be the planet where humans would finally reach their full potential.

However, once on the planet, each nation placed pressure on their representatives to claim as much land as possible for their country. This didn't appeal to the new 'Martians' as the people of Earth called them. Instead of sticking along national lines, they became a unified group. They no longer identified themselves as Americans or Chinese or any other nationality – instead they were all simply the people of Mars. After all, the greatest minds theorised that the absence of nationalistic tendencies would result in less conflicts and war.

What they didn't realise was that it would be the beginning of a new divide – the beginning of worldistic tendencies. Put simply: Earthlings versus Martians. People on Earth felt the 'Martians' were arrogant and elitist, people on Mars thought the Earthlings ignorant and un-evolved. Eventually it came to a head in what has since been described as history's most brutal water fight.

You see, water on Mars had not only been discovered, it had been found to be the best tasting water in the galaxy. People of Earth felt they had an equal right to the water – after all, they told the Martians, 'We're the ones that sent you eggheads there in the first place'. People of Mars, who had now started to call themselves The Malacandra, responded with, 'We may be eggheads, but at least we're not meatheads'. Gradually the name calling got worse until The Malacandra could take no more. Feeling threatened, they told the people of Earth, 'You want your water so bad, here it comes'.

In short, they created a water bomb – giving Earth all the water it demanded in one instant. The result was destruction on a scale never before seen, with most of the planet flooded. Earthlings felt they had no choice but to retaliate and launched all their weapons on Mars. Unfortunately for The Malacandra, although they were made up of mankind's greatest thinkers, they weren't exactly the world's greatest military strategists. With no weapons to speak off, only a few hundred thousand survived the oncoming attack, hiding out underground.

Needing to rebuild their crumbled society, they looked at all the greatest civilisations and the times and circumstances where society had thrived. Finally they deduced that their chance greatest of prosperity would be to convert their world into a gigantic shopping centre.

It should also be noted that most of mankind's greatest thinkers happened to be female.

#

“We'll find some other way out of this. We've got out of worse,” said Justice.
“There is no way out of this one though, is there?” said Google quietly. “Either we all get blown up or I let them take me.” He took a deep breath and looked around the beachside city. “I'll go,” he said finally.
“But you don't need to...”
“Yes, I do. All that matters is that Mykur is defeated. Get to Atlantis; get the next part of the key. Hopefully I can stay alive long enough for you to save me.” He turned to Sunny. “Tell them I'm ready to go aboard their ship.”
“Google is ready to surrender,” said Sunny into his megaphone device.
Laughter roared down onto the planet again.
“So you have Google?” the ship's commander responded.
“Yes.”
“The Google Jones that Mykur wants dead?”
“Ah, yes.”
“The Google Jones that would be made dead when the planet he's on explodes?”
“Once again, yes. Now please send down a transporter ship and you can be on your way.”
More laughter from the ship above.
Sunny looked across at Abe with a smile.
“I think our optimistic approach to life here is having a good effect on them. They seem so much happier now. I told you this was going to work out fine.”
Abe turned his attention to Justice.
“Now can I shoot him?”
Before Justice could answer, 10,000 missles shot out from the ship, headed right for them.

#

Jupiter looked around, taking in the sights as the memories came flooding back. To the left was Herbert's Bakery where he'd eaten countless Herbie's sugar-free, fat-free, cholesterol-lowering jam donuts with added omegas 1-99, protein, fibre, iron and folateTM. To the right was the computer store that he and his friends would visit every weekend to get that week's latest computer and hand in their now outdated model.
“Over by that fountain is the town hall where the federation meets. I'll take you two there tomorrow to plead your case," Belle informed them.
Jupiter continued to scan the sights as Liberty squinted up ahead.
“Is that a communications centre?” she asked.
“Yep, you should be able to make contact with anyone in the universe from there.”
“Well, why don't I give you two a moment alone while I check up on Google and the others.”
Liberty wondered off into the distance, leaving Jupiter standing awkwardly with Belle.
“So... how have you been?” he asked.
“Very sexually satisfied, thank you.”
“Yes, I saw that you're married now. Congratulations.”
“For being married or the multiple orgasms he gives me daily?”
“Both, I guess.”
“Thanks.”
Belle paused, looked across at Jupiter and sighed.
“Look, perhaps I'm being childish. It's just – you hurt me. And for some reason it's important to me that you know, I'm doing great now. You didn't break me. After you left, I found my soulmate. So, I'm glad you did what you did. But that doesn't make me think well of you. So, you should know, I'm not ready to play nice just yet.”
“I'm just happy to see...,” but Jupiter never completed the sentence, because at that moment Liberty came racing over.
“What is it? What's going on? Are the others ok?” he asked.
“Oh no idea, the com centre was shut - but they're selling Gucci Blasters here at up to 60% off!”

#

Abe could only watch on as the missiles sailed down towards them like missiles sailing down towards a planet in a war simulation videogame. Then, just before they broke into the planet's atmosphere, the missile's swung around and went flying back at warship, like missiles in a war simulation videogame that had a strange glitch or cheat code. The ship never stood a chance, exploding into a billion pieces on impact. On the planet's surface, people cheered as if watching an impressive fireworks display.

Abe turned to Sunny in shock.
“How... How'd that happen?”
“That my friend is the power of positive thinking – and the latest state-of-the-art LG missile override system.”
“Why didn't you say something!? I almost died of a heart attack!”
“I know it was great! You should have seen all your faces! We got you good! Best. Joke. Ever.”
Everyone within earshot started to laugh and point at Abe and the gang. Abe reached for his blaster, but Justice held his arm back.
“You know for a planet of optimists, you sure are jerks!”
Sunny finally recovered from his laughing to reply, “Optimists? Haven't you worked it out yet? We're not optimists!”
“But wait, isn't this...,” Justice took out his map and pointed at the planet :-).
Sunny laughed again.
“No, no, no. That's the neighbouring planet. I was going to tell you before, but it was too much fun playing along. We're here,” he said pointing down at another planet on the map.

A planet founded by practical jokers. A planet named :-p.

Previously on INTO THE BLACK

The gang has split up! Jupiter and Liberty are headed to Mars to meet with the Malacandra, an underground organisation that might be able to prevent a kill order being placed on their heads. Meanwhile, Abe and the others are on their way to Atlantis to find the second piece of the Trinity Key, but first they'll need a vehicle capable of travelling underwater.

And, so far, if this story was Super Mario Bros. a Toad would have probably told you several times, "Thank you Mario! But our Cher is in another chapter."

Now we rejoin the action...

“It wasn't named after the chocolate you know.”

“Huh?” Liberty asked as she rubbed her forehead, slowly recovering from the drugged bacon.

“Mars – a lot of people think it was named after the chocolate bar, but it wasn't.”

“Riveting.”

“I'm just saying - lot of locals get touchy about it is all.”

Jupiter tried not to dwell on the point as Liberty glanced around the cockpit of the Blackbird, trying to regain her bearings.

“How do you know this Belle anyway? Are you sure she can be trusted?” Liberty asked, breaking the silence.

“Well I know she'd do just about anything to see Mykur defeated. She was against him before it was even the popular thing.”

“So what's with your clothing then?”

“What about it?”

“It's all blaster-resistant.”

“Let's just say, Belle and I, we have... history,” Jupiter replied as he piloted the shuttle down toward the surface of Mars.

“History?” She looked across at Jupiter suspiciously. “Now's the time to disclose any information that's pertinent to the mission.”

“Girls and their gossip... Fine. Belle and I used to work together once, as treasure hunters, along with Abe.”

“And that's everything.”

“And we were engaged.”

“Bad breakup?”

“You could say that?”

“What would you say?”

“I'd say I ran off with our ship a day before the wedding without saying goodbye.”

Liberty unbuckled her seatbelt and made her way out of the cockpit towards the back of the ship.

“Where are you going?” Jupiter called out.

“To get my blaster-resistant clothes.”

#

“You know, I don't need this! If I wanted to, I could be writing for CSI: Pluto City! But oh no, I just had to join up with Jupiter and see the galaxy,” Abe muttered to Justice.

“You have to admit, it is a little exciting – the chance to save the universe,” Justice countered as he examined a cockpit monitor on-board The Love Crusader.

“Exciting!? Brushing my teeth when the low-battery light is flashing, that's exciting. This... this is a prolonged heart attack.”

“Computer bring up section C2S8 on screen,” Justice instructed.

“You found something?” asked Abe.

“Maybe... look at this. It's a small planet, only has a couple of populated cities, but it's half covered in water. Odds are they'll have some water vessels.”

“Has potential. What's it called?”

“That's the odd part – it doesn't have a name, per se,” replied Justice.

“Huh?”

“Its name is a smiley face emoticon.”

“You've got to be kidding me.”

“Apparently it was founded by a group of theologians who believed the world would be better if everyone just learned to always look on the bright side.”

“We're flying to a planet of morons,” Abe muttered.

“Could be worse, at least they sound friendly.”

Abe shot Justice a look, before jumping up from his seat and heading for the cockpit door.

“Where are you going?” Justice asked.

“To get my blaster-resistant clothes.”

#

“You sure you're prepared?”

“I went out with her for three years, I'm capable of talking to her for a few minutes without anything going wrong.”

“Just try not to say anything stupid.” She paused, then added, “Stupider than normal I mean.”

Jupiter lowered Blackbird closer to the surface as the barren Mars landscape became visible through the cockpit window.

“There,” said Jupiter pointing out to the north. “There it is.”

“The Valles Marineris,” said Liberty, in awe of the canyon that stretched out before them.

“Largest canyon in the solar system,” said Jupiter proudly as he guided them closer towards it.

“I always thought Mars was a hole, but this is...”

Suddenly below the ship, massive explosions shot up into the air.

“They're attacking! Quick, load up the missles. This heap of junk does have missiles, doesn't it?” Liberty asked as she scanned the cockpit walls looking for launch codes.

Jupiter laughed and put an arm across to calm her.

“Relax, it's just the geysers. Look.”

Liberty pushed Jupiter's hand away and stared out as the surface continued to erupt sand and mud up into the sky.

“You know, it's actually quite beautiful up close,” Liberty admitted as the ship dropped down past the surface and into the canyon.

#

Justice, Abe and Google stepped down the front ramp of The Love Crusader and onto the surface of :-). Outside, the sun was shinning and the weather humid as a light breeze gently swayed the leaves of nearby palm trees. Finding it uncomfortably warm, Abe pressed on the buttons on his pants, turning them into shorts as he gazed out at the tropical wonderland. The Space port was conveniently located right by the beach, offering prime views of everyone enjoying themselves: surfing, sailing or just eating ice cream by the shore.

“Hello friends,” a rotund, bearded-man called out to them happily as he made his way over. “Welcome to...,” he pointed up at his smiling face.

“Thank you. It's a pleasure to be here on colon, dash, parenthesis,” replied Abe stiffly.

“It looks wonderful, like a mix of ancient Hawaii and the Caribbean,” said Google.

“Too true, friend. Now come, I'll show you to the vehicle you enquired about. I'm sure you'll just love it. We'll travel by golf cart. For some reason travelling by golf carts always makes life fun! Don't you agree, friend?”

Abe stared blankly ahead as the bearded man went skipping ahead, whistling as he did.

“Can we shoot him?” Abe asked Justice, who just laughed.

#

The Blackbird touched down softly on the canyon surface and a few seconds later the side hatch swung open. Jupiter stepped out, breathing in the air.

“Ah, don't you just love summer.”

“You must be kidding!” said Liberty shivering as she wrapped the hood on her wool parka tightly to keep out as much wind as possible. “It must be minus ten degrees out here.”

“Like I said, summer. They never did get around to properly terraforming this place. If you think this is cold, you should visit in winter.”

Liberty surveyed the landscape around her.

“There's nothing but rocks as far as the eye can see. Are you sure the Martian hideout is here?”

“For Cruise's sake Libby! Lower your voice, if they hear you calling them... Only a Martian can call us Martians.”

“I don't see the big deal.”

“Trust me, you don't want these people to mistake you for an Earthling.”

“But we were all Earthlings originally.”

Before Jupiter could repsond the ground began to shake.

“Marsquake?”

#

The bearded man, who'd they now come to know as Sunny, stood proudly in front of a red submersible, shaped like a giant stingray.

“There's no way I'm paying 5000 credits for that. It's probably not even water proof,” said Abe, crossing his arms.

“Trust me friend, this ship is a bargain. Besides, a bit of water never hurt anyone.”

“Yes, I've heard drowning just kind of tickles,” Abe replied dryly.

“I've thrown in the petrol for free. You won't get a better deal in this solar system.”

“But the petrol tank's half empty,” Abe complained.

“No, I think you'll find it's half full.”

“Half empty!”

“Half full!”

“Isn't it both?” asked Google, a little confused.

Abe and Sunny both turned to stare at him like he was an idiot.

“We'll take it,” said Justice suddenly.

“What!?”

“Relax Abe, it's not your money I'm using.”

“See, I knew things would work out fine,” said Sunny, just as a giant shadow crossed over the entire planet.

“What's going on?” asked Abe nervously. He looked up to see a giant spaceship, bigger than the planet :-) itself now hovered overhead, blocking out the sun.

“Oh, that? Well Mykur's army said they'd blow our planet into a billion pieces if we didn't join with him, but we just find him so pessimistic.”

All of a sudden, the entire planet's windows vibrated as a booming voice came down from the ship's loudspeakers.

“Citizens of... Um, how do you pronounce... citizens of... this planet: prepare to feel the might of Mykur.”

With that, the ship opened its 10,000 missile bays – all of them now pointed at the planet.

“Don't worry, I'm sure everything will work out just fine,” said Sunny happily.

#

Liberty worked hard to keep her balance as the rumbling continued, while Jupiter simply lay flat on the ground, resting. When it finally stopped, he pointed to an area where the recent movement had cleared an entranceway to a ramp leading underground.

“Of course, where else would an underground organisation be?” Liberty said to herself.

As they made their way down the ramp, the air became warmer, more mechanical. After about 75 metres, the rumbling began again. Liberty fought back the feeling of claustrophobia as she turned to watch the entrance close up with rocks once more. Another 400 metres down and the tunnel began to grow wider until Liberty and Jupiter finally reached a giant metal door that stood 50 metres high.

“What now?” asked Liberty.

As if in response, an ear-splitting screech filled the underground cavern as the massive door lifted, sending a cloud of dust up into the air with it. When the dust finally settled, it revealed a lone woman, who somehow had a much bigger presence than her slender body would suggest.

“Well hello, Jupiter, it's been a while,” said Belle, coolly.

“First things first, we need a bird that can get her feathers wet,” said Google, addressing the rest of crew, who were all gathered around the cockpit dining table.

“What are you talking about?” asked Jupiter.

“Atlantis – the entire planet is one big water world; we'll need a ship that can travel underwater.”

“Come on, surely we're not... It's suicide. Yes, we have one piece of the key, but there's still two pieces to go – and we'll have every ship in the galaxy hunting us down if Mykur passes his kill order,” said Abe.

“That's the second thing,” said Justice, taking charge. “We need to delay that order if we're to have any chance. Jupiter, I hope you don't mind, but I took the liberty, no pun, of researching you and Abe before Google hired you. You have connections to the Malacandra.”

“That was a lifetime ago,” Jupiter replied.

“Do you have any connections left that you could trust? They're just about the only group in the galaxy that still openly defies Mykur. If we could get them to message the Council planets maybe we could delay the kill order. It's possible they could sway enough planets our way.”

Jupiter took a sip from his drink.

“The way I left things with the Malacandra, they'd be just as likely to kill me themselves.”

“Well, suck it up, princess. Justice is right, we won't make it to Atlantis with a kill order on our heads,” Liberty said, in-between bites of Hangover-b-gone bacon.

“One problem,” said Abe. “Well, no, actually, a million problems – but one more problem – the Malacandra are on Mars while, last time I checked, Atlantis is on the other side of the galaxy.”

“Ape is right,” said Google, before ducking a cup thrown at him by Abe. “Sorry, Abe is right. That's why we need to split up. One group makes the trek to Atlantis on The Love Crusader, while the other group heads to Mars on Blackbird to meet with the Malacandra.”

“So who's going to Mars?” asked Liberty.

“I'll go – I was born there, no one knows the planet better. Abe, you take the others to Atlantis,” said Jupiter.

Abe and Justice both jumped to their feet, talking over the top of each other.

“Whoa, one at a time. Justice?” said Jupiter.

“Getting to the Malacandra is too important – you'll need help. You can't go alone.”

“Are you asking me out?”

“No. Liberty will be going with you.”

Liberty glared across at Justice. “My job is to protect Google. Where he goes, I go.”

“Lib – the best thing you can do to protect Google is to make sure the kill order doesn't get through the Council,” Justice said.

“It's true. Besides, I'm not the chosen one – I'm not your mission anymore.”

“Like hell you're not,” said Liberty.

“Don't worry, it'll be ok Lib. You'll find I've learnt a lot from you over the years,” Google said with a slight smirk.

Liberty looked down at her now empty plate with a grimace.

“I thought the bacon tasted funny,” she managed to slur before her head hit the table, passed out.

“Great, so it's all settled then,” said Justice. “Let's get you and Liberty packed and onto Blackbird – remember to dress warm for Mars.”

Google and Justice gently lifted Liberty out of her chair and made their way out of the cockpit. Now alone, Abe made his way over to Jupiter.

“You sure about this, boss?”

“Yes, you're the only one I'd trust with The Crusader.”

“But perhaps I should be the one going to Mars with Liberty.”

“Nah, it'll be fine. It'll be good – hey, I used to love Mars. Besides, I remember how you feel about the place.”

“Can't say I'm too fond of flying underwater, either.”

“You'll be fine. Just you make sure The Crusader stays in one piece. Don't let the kid fly her.”

Jupiter got up to head towards his quarters. Abe looked across, weighing up whether to say something or not. Then:

“Belle - she's not going to be happy to see you. You know that, right?”

“What do you mean, you can't remember if you had a birthmark before the crash!?” Jupiter asked, nervously pacing back and forward around the cockpit.
“Well, it's on my back... I didn't exactly spent a lot of time examining my back when I was a kid. What's the big deal?”
“What's going on?” asked Liberty, starting to sound concerned.
“And do stop moving – you're all whooshy when you move,” said Justice.
“What's with him?” Jupiter asked Liberty.
“He's can't handle his alcohol straight.”
“You can drink it arty?”
“No. I mean, he's used to having it mixed with coke. We're Cokecasians, remember.”
“Can we get back to the topic of our imminent, painful death?” asked Abe.

“Ok, I just received a transmission from Mykur – asking me to hand over Google.”
Liberty automatically reached for her blaster, “You didn't...”
“No. Stupidly it would seem! He said Google's not the chosen one. Mykur just set things up to make it look like he was to take the attention away from his hunt for the real chosen one.”
“But that's impossible – what about the way Google's parents died and the birthmark?” asked Abe.
“He tampered with the reanimation machine so that only Google would survive the space jump – the miraculous survivor. And the birthmark is just a combination of scarring and tattoo work. I even saw the footage of them doing it.”
Google sat down silently, his head in his hands.

“So what do we do now?” asked Abe.
“We have 24 hours to hand over the piece of The Trinity Key; he said that if we did that, he'd spare us; that he wouldn't hunt us down.”
“And you trust him?”
“No. Of course not – the guy's 101 flavours of evil. But, we don't really have any other option, do we? If we don't hand it over, he'll request the Intergalactic Council put a kill order on all of us. He already controls over 50% of the Council – it's very possible he could get the 66% vote required. We'd have every member of the entire galaxy's armies and police squadrons after us.”
Google started to run his hands through his hair, the way someone might do if they were stressed out about discovering they're not a prophesied hero. Jupiter rested a hand on his shoulder.
“Hey, look at this way kid, it's over. You should be happy. No more having to worry about killing Mykur. No more worrying about having to be some hero.”
Jupiter walked over to his control monitor, ”We can just press this button, make a deal and it's all over.”

“Press the button,” Google said softly.
“Are we all sure?” asked Jupiter.
“It makes tactical sense,” replied Justice.
“It's our only choice,” added Abe.
Liberty just sat quietly.
“Press it,” Google said more forcefully.
Jupiter did as he was told and a few seconds later a hologram of Prince Mykur appeared before them, smiling politely.
“How nice it is to see you all – particularly you master Google. I take it we can come to some sort of arrangement?”
Google stood and slowly approached the hologram.
“Here's the deal I'm prepared to make: You murdered my parents. I never even really got to know them. And you think I'll give you what you need to rule the galaxy? So I'm not the chosen one and I may not be able to face you in battle and live – but so help me, I don't care if I die in the process, I'm going to kill you, you evil son of a bitch. Do you hear me!? I'm going to fucking kill you!” he yelled before smashing the hologram projector into a hundred pieces.

“Well, that went well,” Abe muttered to himself.